


Freefall

by the-eagle-of-masyaf (Dunkelherz)



Series: The Sky Is Not The Limit [4]
Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, BDSM, Bondage, D/s, Dark, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Master/Slave, Permanent Injury, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:49:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dunkelherz/pseuds/the-eagle-of-masyaf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Zero-G: Altair has been flying high in the sky but he knew everything that goes up has to come down eventually. He wouldn't have thought it'd hurt so badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Zero-G. I strongly recommend to reading it first.

They say the night is the darkest just before dawn and at that very moment, Altair would probably agree with them. The sky was about to turn into the shade of a soft purple and blue before the sun would rise to greet a new morning, the birds were already singing outside and it looked as if it was about to be a beautiful early spring day. He could almost smell the fresh air and blooming flowers, could feel the wind brushing over his skin and tousle his hair but in the end, the breeze he felt was the air conditioner, the flowers sanitizer and the sky a white sterile ceiling Altair was currently staring at as he'd leaned his head back, rubbing his face with both palms.

 

It was way too early to be up at such an ungodly hour but the staff of the hospital was busy with their morning routines. Altair hardly noticed them as he was sitting in the ER together with Leonardo and Ezio, worried sick to the stomach and he sighed again, leaning forwards on his knees using his elbows and head hanging low between his shoulders. They'd been here for two hours now and still, nobody had come yet to talk with them. Apparently, since Malik had no family left living in the city besides Kadar, Leonardo was on his list of contacts in case of an emergency so the hospital had called him. Now all they could do was to wait and it slowly ate Altair away, leaving nothing behind but an empty shell.

 

He glanced sideways and watched both men from the corner of his eye. Ezio was sleeping, his head resting on Leonardo's shoulder, collar around his neck and hair pulled back into a hasty ponytail – it looked like as if he'd just rolled out of bed, it was the same with Leonardo. He'd put his shirt the wrong way on, the little label sticking out at the front underneath his chin. Altair couldn't blame them, he didn't even have bothered with making his hair but had rather grabbed a few clothes to jump into and followed Leonardo to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

 

They only knew that Malik was currently in surgery, Kadar hadn't been brought to the same hospital and since Leonardo was only on Malik's list of contacts they didn't tell them anything about the younger brother so they would have to wait until they could speak with Malik.

 

Leonardo hadn't told Altair much – there'd been an accident, that's all he knew and that Malik's in surgery but Altair doubted he only had minor injuries. He's been in the damn surgery for more than two hours now and all he really wanted was to know if he was alright, if he was going to be okay and... shit.

 

Fuck!

 

Altair didn't know what to feel, he was angry and afraid all the same and maybe that was the worst combination ever. He was close to freaking out and he suddenly stood up, startling Leonardo and Ezio. “What is it?”, Leonardo blinked at him, “Did they call us?”

 

“No”, Altair growled, “but I need to do something, I can no longer sit here and wait.”

 

“Oh”, Leonardo rubbed his eyes with one hand and Ezio slowly sat up as well but he still looked like as if he'd just woken up from a coma. “Want me to come with you to get us some coffee?”, the artist offered.

 

“No. I think I saw a coffee machine down the hall, I get us some – wait here in case they call us”, Altair shook his head and reached into his pocket to see if he had some change left. Yes, seemed like it.

 

“Alright”, Leonardo nodded and rubbed Ezio's thigh and Altair turned around, following the smell of cheap coffee which would probably not taste better than piss. There were hardly people on the floor, mostly just staff who were getting ready to change shifts, get breakfast for the patients, change the sheets and just about everything which included the daily routine of a hospital. Altair pulled out his phone and opened his messages. A sharp pain went through his heart when he saw that Malik's were on the top and it took him great willpower to not open and read them – it would only hurt him all the more. Instead he went into his contacts until he found Rauf's number.

 

_I'm not coming in today._

 

Altair put his phone back into his pocket and tried to flatten out some of his dollar bills so the machine would take them and soon enough the coffee was running and gathering into a small plastic cup. When Altair took a first sip he pulled his face into a grimace. This could be very well called brown water.

 

He kept standing there for a moment and turned towards the large window. The sun was rising, crawling across and ripping apart a bright blue sky, its rays slowly finding their way through the urban canyons of the city, creating large shadows on the grounds. Altair snorted, the image was not fitting his mood at all and he wanted for the night to not end forever, he wanted the world at chaos just as his own world was.

 

He turned away from the windows and made his way back towards Leonardo and Ezio but not before he threw his own empty cup away and got two more although he almost felt pity for the men to drink shit like that but it was better than nothing and would keep them a little while longer awake.

 

When he turned back into the lobby of the ER, Leonardo and Ezio were standing. Leonardo saw Altair and he waved at him. Altair's pace quickened so in the end he was almost jogging when he stopped next to both men. “What is it?”, Altair asked and shoved both cups into Ezio's hands – otherwise he would have let them fall with how excited he was all of the sudden, his heart beating widely and his breath short.

 

“He's out of surgery”, Leonardo said and pressed his lips tightly together and brushed a strand of hair back behind his ear.

 

“But?” Altair shifted his weight and he was close to just curl his fingers around Leonardo collar and shake him. “What's with him? Where's Kadar?”

 

Leonardo sighed while Ezio simply put the two coffees down on the chair behind him. “They had to reanimate-”

 

“Reanimate?” Altair's face went all the more pale, his legs shaking and the tips of his fingers tingled as if his arms had fallen asleep, tongue thick and furry. Maybe this is how it felt when you had a stroke.

 

“Because of the trauma”, Leonardo muttered, “He's in no good condition.”

 

“But he's going to make it, right? We can go and see him”, Altair asked hopefully but when Leonardo put his hand on his shoulder and slowly guided him towards another chair and pressed down so Altair had to sit, he knew this weren't good news he was about to hear. Leonardo sat down next to him.

 

“They didn't say much of what happened but Ezio searched the news on his phone while you were gone. There was only a short notice from the police about an accident downtown. For unknown reasons two cars have collided, leaving two injured and one dead-”

 

“You think it's the accident Malik had?” Altair watched Leonardo carefully and pressed the tips of his fingers tightly together while gritting his teeth and it hurt his jaw.

 

“I don't know but-” Leonardo's voice broke. “But if it's the accident Malik's been involved then... Kadar...”

 

Only now did it dawn on Altair and for a tiny second, the world stopped turning and it felt like as if he was falling all over again but the impact never came. “Then it means either he's dead or the second person injured”, he whispered and looked puzzled. This didn't make any sense – none of it made any sense at all! They've talked just yesterday, Altair had said his good byes to Malik just yesterday, had kissed him, laughed with him, had been annoyed with Kadar, it- no. No. This wasn't happening. He refused to believe that, he refused to face reality.

 

“Kadar's dead?”, Altair whispered again and slowly turned his head to fully face Leonardo but the man just shook his head.

 

“I don't know, we don't know I mean- all we have is this tiny article about an accident downtown, it could be another one, I- I guess we have to wait until Malik wakes up but-”

 

“But what?”

 

“They said he needs to recover from the surgery and the trauma to his body and that he's spending the next few days in an artificial coma.”

 

“He's not going to wake up soon?”

 

Leonardo shook his head. “No he isn't Altair.”

 

“But what did they do? How badly was he injured?”

 

He watched how Leonardo licked slowly over his lips, then pressed them tightly together and Altair knew by now that it's how he looked when he didn't want to give somebody the bad news – it's exactly how he looked when he'd come to Malik's place the night to tell Altair about the accident. “Few broken ribs, brain concussion and a broken collarbone.”

 

“But that doesn't sound like as if he needs to be under a coma”, Altair shook his head in disbelieve.

 

“No”, Leonardo agreed, “but they told me they had to remove his arm at the scene.”

 

“What?”

 

“They couldn't get him out of the car without amputating his left arm”, Leonardo said again, speaking louder now and his voice sounded hoarse and tired. “They gave him a few blood transfusion and took care of the rest in surgery... he lost his arm”, he concluded.

 

“Fuck.”

 

Altair sat with slumped shoulders on his seat, not able to think a straight thought. “But he's in no life threatening condition?”

 

“They can't tell for sure, he fell into shock at the accident scene, the wound might get infected – they... they said it needs time to see but for now that's all they can do for him. His body needs the rest so they let him sleep” Leonardo muttered while Ezio sat next to him and rubbed his palm over his shoulder. “Malik's tough”, Ezio said slowly, “he's able to take it.”

 

“I hope so”, Leonardo nodded.

 

“And there's no chance they might say us something about Kadar?”

 

“No”, Leonardo shook his head, “they would tell me if I were a relative but I'm not and Kadar never took care of stuff like that so we really do have to wait until Malik wakes up and tells us what happened.”

 

“Can I at least see him?”, Altair muttered and felt like shrinking, his whole world just getting smaller and smaller and in the end it was crushing him.

 

“He's not allowed to have any visitors at the moment and he just got out of surgery”, Leonardo explained. “Why don't you come home with Ezio and me? I think it'll be better for you not to be alone today”, he suggested instead. “His doctor said we could stop by tomorrow to see him but now isn't a good time.”

 

Altair looked slowly up and it was then that he reached for the collar around his neck, feeling the cool simple steel underneath them. Somehow, and it sounded probably very strange, but somehow the constant feeling of it pressing down on his skin made him feel as if Malik was just a step away – all he really needed to do was to reach out for him and collect him in his arms. He still hadn't looked in his phone for the combination to open the number lock. He doubted he would look at it as long as Malik was in a coma. Taking it off would hold the same meaning as them breaking up.  
  


“Thank you for your offer but I think I rather stay home today-”

 

“And doing what?”, Leonardo pondered, standing up and wrapping his fingers around Ezio's hand, pulling the man close. “Don't tell me you're as stubborn as Malik. This is a time to rely on friends and I think you could really need some.”

 

Alair pursed his lips and thought for a little while, weighing his options and eventually decided for the one thing which made the most sense. “Okay, I stay with you guys for the day-”

 

“You can stay the night just as well.”

 

“We'll see about that but I-” Altair looked back down the corridor, “I don't think I can go yet.”

 

“You want to stay because you think you're closer to Malik this way.”

 

Altair nodded weakly and felt drained of all of his energy. He felt small and lost and the walls of the hospital just got higher and higher and he feared they would soon collapse around him. “I can't leave him behind like that, can I?”

 

“You don't leave him behind but sitting here will do him no good. We stop at Malik's apartment and you pack him a few clothes – we take them with us tomorrow. If you really want to do something for him, I guess that's a first step.”

 

“And what about Kadar?” Altair felt his heart skipping a beat – it didn't feel right to speak the younger brother's name, it somehow made him feel uneasy and there was this thick black cloud lingering at the back of his mind making his hair stand to end.

 

“I have no idea”, Leonardo said and yes, that was exactly how Altair felt. All helpless and confused, not having a clue of what to do next.

 

All he really knew was that he needed Malik.

 

Now.  


	2. Chapter 2

They hadn't gotten a call from the hospital with news from Malik that day or night and Altair had tried to call the ward Malik was currently at but apparently if you told someone your fucking lover was in a coma and you just wanted to hear how he's doing, they won't give you any information at all unless your family. It didn't help at all to calm him down when he asked about Kadar and no one could tell him anything. Altair had tried to call several hospitals in the area but he wasn't staying at any of them and the thought of maybe Kadar being the one who'd died in the crash seemed to become reality the more and more.

 

Altair hadn't slept at all and he could tell Leonardo and Ezio were worried about it – he'd stayed with them after all, going home wasn't an option for Altair. Malik's place had been his home all those past weeks and months and to go to his own place now would only make him realize all the more that his heart was currently laying in a hospital, badly wounded. He felt like as if he'd failed – failed to take care of the one thing he can't live without although he knew it was stupid to think like that. Malik was a grown man, they weren't living in a time period where they had to fear to get killed by an angry bunch of Christians – or something like that. Malik was able to take care of himself and no matter how much Altair hated it, he couldn't control life, couldn't control the world and things like that just... _happened_. It made him even more angrier. An accident like Malik's made absolutely no sense. It was something which wasn't necessary to happen!

 

Altair took a deep breath in and closed his eyes for a moment while he leaned heavily against the wall of the elevator and waited for the little bell to ring to indicate it was the floor to get out. Leonardo had given him a ride home this morning so he could change into some fresh clothes. He'd also packed a few items since he would stay with Ezio and Leonardo the night as well. He felt tired and like a complete mess and Rauf who stood next to his side watched him with worried eyes.

 

"You can stay at my place if you want to", he offered but Altair shook his head.

 

"I stay with a friend of Malik's", he said softly, staring down at the elevator's floor, hands shoved in his pockets. Rauf hadn't left his side that day and they had gotten lunch together, It had taken a lot for Altair to eat a small pack of potato chips but they had tasted like ash and now his stomach hurt. Lucy had told him several times to get home, that he wasn't a help at all but he'd resisted and after she told him for the fifth time she finally understood and just let him stay – everything was better than to sit in an empty home with your thoughts whirling around the one person you loved. Once Rauf got in and seen Altair he had joked at first, asked if somebody had died and shut up quickly once Altair told him what had happened, almost choking while he'd done so.

 

"And what's with that thing around your neck? Did he took the key with him? I could take it off if you want me to", Rauf had offered in a quiet gentle voice but Altair's head had snapped up.

 

"It was the last thin he'd given to me... a gift. I can't take it off", he had explained and if it'd been a different day, Rauf sure would have made fun about it but not today.

 

"If there's anything you need you can call me", he said as the elevator stopped and they got out.

 

Altair nodded, doubting he would have to call Rauf but accepting his kind-intended offer anyway. He could see his ride had already arrived when he went out into the street. Leonardo was waiting outside, Ezio standing next to him, talking in a quiet voice.

 

"Hello, Altair," Leonardo nodded his head once and reached his hand out for a shake. Ezio followed suit. Altair had gotten a message from Leonardo somewhere around noon that they would pick him up so they could drive together to the hospital to see if they could manage to visit Malik for a few minutes and he had tried to ignore it all day long. Altair was ashamed to feel like that but he wasn't sure if he was able to see Malik like that. Yes, of course he wanted nothing more but to rush to his bed, to feel his pulse and warm skin but on the other side he was just fucking scared – Malik was always so strong, was somebody he could trust. Seeing him laying in a hospital bed, all fragile and small was a sight Altair would rather not witness.

 

He flashed them a weak smile and climbed into the car behind the driver's seat, Ezio and Leonardo following and Leonardo took off. Altair leaned his head against the glass of the window, the radio playing in the background and he watched houses and streets pass by.

 

"How was your day?", Leonardo asked and watched Altair in the rear view mirror.

 

"I don't remember..." Altair replied honestly. "It just flew by. I was having lunch with Rauf and Lucy was talking to me, that's all I can remember."

 

"Have you eaten? Ezio made us some sandwiches with salami, you should eat," Leonardo went on. "Eat and drink, it would be bad if you collapse in the hospital."

 

"I'm not hungry..."

 

"Altair", Leonardo said sternly and the voice of his was firm enough for Altair to look up. Ezio was looking out of the window, one hand up to fumble with his collar. "You will eat and you will drink something once we get there - it won't help Malik at all when you collapse because of hunger and dehydration. Am I clear?"

 

He had no idea why he let Leonardo talk to him like that - they hardly knew each other and yet shared so very much but he let him and he nodded. "Yes I understand", Altair said eventually and licked over his dry lips.

 

The rest of the car ride was in silence and once Leonardo parked the car Altair already got out of it, wanting to make his way towards the entrance without waiting for the others but Leonardo held him back.

 

"Altair calm down, really... You can't keep doing this."

 

"Leonardo, please I... I can't find peace knowing what state he is in," Altair attempted, lowering his head.

 

"You have to think rationally, Altair," Leonardo shook his head. "Try imagining what Malik would think if he saw you like this. And don't just pretend to think, I want you to tell me the outcome."

 

Altair kept quiet for a few long moments, keeping his eyes shut. "He'd be angry and disappointed. He'd tell me I am an idiot for not taking care of myself."

 

"Good boy. Now take the sandwich, eat at least half of it and drink a bottle of water. We will buy you one from the machines inside," Leonardo explained and gestured Ezio to hand Altair the bun with salami, vegetables and mustard. t didn't please Altair but he took it, slowly unwrapping it and taking a bite. He was sure it tasted good but right now it felt like sand in his mouth and he chewed slowly, swallowed heavily. He kept eating while they went inside, Ezio getting two bottles of water. One for Altair, one for Leonardo and him and they made their way back to the ICU Malik was currently staying at.

 

"I think they only allow one at a time inside", Leonardo said and he looked ill. "You can go ahead", he offered softly and Altair nodded. He honestly had no idea from where Leonardo took his strength but he admired him for that. Altair might love Malik but Leonardo had been his best friend for a very long time and felt just as miserable as Altair did.

 

"Thank you", he whispered because he knew Leonardo held every right to go in first and while his heart was beating so wildly he almost thought it would jump out of his chest, he knew this was something he just had to do. He needed to see Malik no matter how difficult it'd be for him.

 

"Maybe I can see a doctor and ask them about Malik", Leonardo mused out loud. "Maybe there are news on him."

 

"Would you mind if Ezio accompanied me?" Leonardo sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

Altair shook his head and took another bite, looking at his sandwich with lidded eyes and forcing the chewed food down his throat before throwing the empty paper in a trash bin.

 

"We pick you up in front of the ICU, don't go wandering around or I fear you might get lost", Leonardo told him and again, Altair nodded. He just wanted this day to end, wanted to go to sleep and wake up from the nightmare. He missed Malik's voice so so much and all he wanted was for him to wake up earlier, wanted to feel him, to kiss him to know he was alright, to just feel he was _alive_.

 

"Okay... I see you later", he said eventually and while Leonardo and Ezio turned around, Altair went the opposite direction. He pushed the bell at the ICU and waited for a nurse to open the door. There were only a few people in the waiting area. A woman with her small child wearing a serious expression on her face and an elderly man who was crying silently – no, if you had to wait in front of the ICU to see your relatives and loved ones it was never a good sign. Altair wondered just how much sorrow and pain this ward had seen over the years.

 

"Hello," a nurse greeted him, her accent irking his ear, though he couldn't quite point why.

 

"I'm here so see Malik Al-Sayf," Altair murmured and took a deep breath in. The nurse picked a list and scanned it with her eyes. "Malik Al-Sayf?" she asked, and Altair almost cringed at the awkward manner she pronounced it in.

 

"Yes..."

 

"Five minutes," she said in a stern voice before inviting him to enter, the white-walled corridor spreading behind her like a long tube.

 

“How's he doing?”, Altair asked while he follwed her and she looked at him over her shoulder. She was a rather small woman, tiny really with long black hair she wore in a bun. “I'm not allowed to give you any information”, she said. “Sorry”, she added and for a moment Altair believed she really was.

 

She took a left turn and lead Altair towards another floor. "Room 401", she said him and Altair nodded. "It's the very end, last room to your right", she explained. “It's a two bed room but he's currently staying alone”, she nodded.

 

Altair wasn't able to move, his eyes glued onto the door at the very end for the corridor and he felt the nurse's gaze on him. "Are you family?", she asked him eventually and Altair shook his head, noticing how her eyes went towards his collar and she nodded again.

 

Altair sighed and took a deep breath in, bracing himself for what he was about to see before slowly walking up to Malik's room. He swallowed heavily and when he didn't move, his hand just twitching as it hovered above the door handle the nurse stepped forwards. "Here", she said and opened the door for him, knowing exactly just what he went through - after all, she probably saw it several times a week.

 

Altair went inside, the room larger than he would have thought. Malik's bed was standing right next to a window, the curtains open and Altair could that it was already turning dark outside. There were tubes going to his body, so many tubes sticking to his skin, nose, arms... _arm_ and stomach. For a moment Altair hesitated and then finally walked to the right side of the bed. The nurse was still standing in the door frame and he looked at her. "Can I- can I touch him", and she nodded.

 

His hand reached for Malik's lifeless hand and he was just about to touch it when the door fell back into its lock and Altair startled, looking up. The nurse was gone and had left him alone, so it was only him and Malik now.

 

Malik was not stirring, but his hand was warm and Altair could almost feel the rapid pulse of blood underneath his skin. "Malik," he croaked, his shoulders shaky as he held onto the fingers as a pilgrim would treat a sacred artifact. "You're still here”, he smiled a little, his lips trembling, “... You're alive..."

 

He looked up along Malik's arm and to his face. There were a few cuts but nothing serious, a few bruises and it seemed the main damage had been to his left side. His face held mostly the color of yellow, green and purple, he had a split lip and there was a cut going right over his nose. There were also a few stitches and bruises on his left cheeks and forehead, but it did not look like anything serious, only superficial wounds. He didn't move, of course he didn't they had said he would be kept in a coma for a few more days so his body could recover from the trauma and it hurt more than anything Altair had ever to endure his entire life. This was pure hell.

 

Altair took a shaky breath in before slowly straightening his shoulders, careful not to yank on any sensitive equipment as he bowed down and kissed the man's knuckles. "We're going to make it through this, together. I don't know how but we will. You're going to be fine, and-" But Altair broke. He had no idea what to say or how to say it. There were just emotions whirling all together at the bottom of his mind and he wished for all the tubes and cables to go away so he could hug Malik tight. He seemed so small and broken in his bed, nothing but the shadow of the man he once knew and he wanted all of it to go back and turn normal again. He wanted to have Kadar to make his jokes and he wanted Malik to be annoyed by it but... it wasn't going to happen and that probably hurt the most.

 

 

Altair sighed and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Malik's shoulder. "Get well soon, please," he murmured, slowly caressing Malik's right side with careful movements.

 

His shoulders drooped when he finally let go, hearing the nurse knocking on the door behind him. "I'll come by tomorrow," he promised before making his way back, slowly rubbing his face.

 

"Is there not a chance to stay a little longer?", he asked the woman with a hoarse voice and while he'd never liked to cry at all and especially not in front of others he didn't care about it right now. There were tears rising in his eyes and he simply didn't have the energy to hide them.

 

She slowly shook his head. "Doctors orders. I'm sorry but I can't do anything."

 

"So I would have to speak with them?", Altair pondered when they stood in front of Malik's room and she nodded.

 

"You're not family”, she said.

 

"No", Altair nodded, "He's my... partner."

 

"Well if he didn't put your name on his list of contacts I'm afraid they won't tell you anything." Altair looked miserable for a long moment before quietly walking out. He did not have the strength to argue and knew that if he refused her orders, she would have to call the staff.

 

He did not want to have problems that might, or more probably simply would make him lose his right to see Malik at all.

 

"Thank you," he muttered quietly without meaning to and made his way down the long hall.

 

"Wait", she said and came after him, pulling out a pen and took Altair's hand. She quickly wrote down a number on his palm. "I'm working the shift between 6 pm and 1 am every day, during this time I'm his nurse. If it makes you feel any better you can call this number and ask me how he's doing until he wakes up again."

 

Altair stared down on his hand, then back up at her. He didn't hold the strength to smile but he hoped she knew just how thankful he felt for it. His tongue felt too heavy and his throat dry, no word coming over his lips so he simply nodded while she smiled, making his way back out of the ICU.

 

Altair's arm slumped to his side as he dragged himself back to the reception area, searching for Ezio and Leonardo with his gaze. Upon not being able to find them, he sat down on a nearby bench and looked at the blue ink soaked into his skin.

 

He could call – it was probably a silly thought but somehow it made him feel better. Altair could do only one thing. First he pulled out his phone and saved the contact under 'Malik's Nurse', then he went into his messages and read through them.

 

'Hey, since I'm out buying groceries with Kadar, I was just wondering, do you want Cookie Crisps or Froot Loops in the morning?'

 

Altair skipped to the next message.

 

'You don't have to bring anything but if you feel like it come naked and wrap a ribbon around yourself :-p '

 

It was amazing how silly Malik could be at times and Altair especially loved those messages. They always made him smile.

 

'I'll be late today, you can go ahead and come to my place if you want. Kadar is there, if you ring the bell long enough he will actually bother to open the door.'

 

Altair's lips twitched in a small smile.

 

'Are you free next Thursday? I might be able to get us tickets to Don Pasquale, I thought it might be nice to try an opera once.'

 

He almost failed to notice how Leonardo and Ezio were back until one of them squeezed his shoulder, his head snapping back up and he hid the phone in his pocket. It might sound silly but he really didn't want them to see him reading Malik's messages - not only were they private but Altair liked to think of those as his, something small he owned of Malik and he really didn't want to share it with anybody else.

 

"So how are things?", Leonardo asked him while Ezio slumped down next to Altair's side.

 

"They can't tell me anything because I'm not on his list of contacts or something", Altair muttered miserable. "His nurse gave me the ward's number though - I'm going to call tonight and ask her how he's doing."

 

Leonardo nodded. "That a very nice thing of her to do", and Ezio nodded with agreement, his arm reaching behind Altair to take the artist hand. If the circumstances would be different, Altair would think of them as adorable. “I was able to talk one of the doctor's but they said his condition hasn't change since yesterday and that we have to be patience”, Leonardo added and nodded once, offering Altair a small, tiered smile. "Let's go."

 

Altair eventually and got up, following both men towards the exit.

 

He'd call that nurse tonight.

 

Maybe Malik would wake up a bit earlier so he could speak to him tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Altair fell asleep somewhere during the car ride and came back to it when Leonardo opened the door and got out of his car. He startled and felt disorientated but his brain quickly caught up with the last events and he followed both men into the apartment building and up to his floor. This was the place he remembered from being at Leonardo's when he'd visited the man for the first time together with Malik. He was starting to feel better, Altair reckoned, the sleep somehow soothing his nerves and helping the idea of Malik being alright eventually slowly sinking in like sand shaken inside a bottle full of water. He was nevertheless tiered and worn out, and his head was starting to feel as if someone was squeezing it from above.

 

"Let Ezio get this for you", Leonardo offered when Altair took his bag from the trunk and okay, alright, he let go of it when Ezio stepped to his side, taking it from him.

 

"Are you hungry Altair? Ezio made pasta and we still have leftovers..."

 

"Just something to drink would be fine," Altair shook his head and offered his best smile although the corner of his lips were trembling.

 

"Try to get some sleep Altair and don't forget about your own needs", he told him. "Malik needs you healthy and strong when he wakes up."

 

"I know it's just..." Altair's shoulders slumped down. "It's just every time I try to eat I feel sick."

 

"Because you're too nervous and you've hardly eaten since yesterday evening", Ezio said when they got of the elevator and walked up to Leonardo's apartment and Altair wondered if it was coincidence for Ezio to take off Leonardo's coat first or not - probably not. He didn't really know where to put his hands.

 

“Alright”, Leonardo sighed and rubbed his chin. “You know where the kitchen is, I trust you know how to help yourself if you should decide to eat something.” Apparently Leonardo knew that a grieving mind wasn't always reasonable so it was probably better to let Altair have his will. “Then what else could we help you with?”

 

“I really just want to sleep”, Altair groaned and rubbed his temple – he was developing a headache because of the lack of sleep – he thought the last time he's slept for more than two hours has been before Malik's accident. It was strange, really, how he'd started to categorize events in 'before Malik's accident' and 'after Malik's accident'. It seemed as if both their lives had completely changed.

 

Ezio rubbed Altair's shoulder, “If there's anything you need just let us now, Leonardo and I are going to be up for a while longer.”

 

Altair nodded and waved at both men over his shoulder, making his way towards the guest room. Ezio had told him it once been a part of Leonardo's at atelier but the room was too small for him to fully work and he'd bought the studio downtown eventually and kept almost everything work related out of their apartment until they would completely move.

 

The room was simple but hold everything he needed, a bed, a small desk and a wardrobe. His bag still stood by the end of the bed and Altair pulled out a shirt to sleep in and also one of Malik's he'd had packed. When he was comfortable and ready for the night, he pulled out his phone and called Malik's nurse.

 

He waited for somebody to pick up and when they did he spoke right away, "It's Altair calling, I'm- I'm wondering if you could tell me how Ma- how Mr. Al-Sayf is doing?"

 

It was silly maybe but Altair felt anxious and about to pass out when the woman told him to hold the line and then-

 

"He's doing well, the medications works fine on him. If somebody asks you you didn't get the information from me alright?"

 

Altair felt himself smiling for the first time since Leonardo had showed up at Malik's place. "Yes... I mean no. I will. Thank you so much."

 

"The doctors said he might be able to wake up in the next one or two days... He has little fever and his heart rate is only a bit higher than normal now," the smile was evident in her voice.

 

Altair felt his chest blooming with warmth. "Is that so? Thank you so much..." he whispered, swallowing his own saliva and smiling. Malik was doing better. Malik was on his way back.

 

"You're welcome”, the nurse sighed, and Altair heard some rustling of fabric.

 

"Alright, I won't keep you up", he murmured, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

 

"Try to get some sleep, have good night," she answered, her voice still very quiet.

 

Altair ended the phone call and took one of the pastry Ezio had brought him - it wasn't that bad, it was rather good but after he'd felt too sick to eat before he now felt too excited.

 

Malik would pull through this. They would make it through this, Altair just knew it. Only a little while longer, just a little longer for him to wait and he would feel his hands on him again, hear his voice and smell his scent.

 

Altair slowly sunk towards the bed, curling underneath the covers and pulling Malik's shirt close.

 

He doze off with Malik's shirt hugged tightly to his chest.]

 

 

Altair slowly sunk towards the bed, curling into a tiny ball and pulling Malik's shirt close. He smacked his lips once and pulled the covers higher up to his cheeks, his eyes shut and sleep already pulling at him. He could almost feel Malik behind him, sneaking an arm around him and pressing close against his back, chuckling in his gruff voice and complaining about Altair not waiting for him before going to sleep - kissing his neck and shoulder before turning to sleep himself.

 

If he concentrated hard enough, he could feel the other man's comforting warmth and welcoming embrace- two things that took a while for Malik to grant him without having anything to do with the aftercare.

 

Altair fell into a weightless state, slipping in and out of sleep. Most of the times he had nightmares, dreaming of of the worst. His nightmares mixed with actual memories he had of Malik and at one point he dreamed of Malik as a serial killer and Altair woke heavily breathing with sweat covering his chest and back.

 

He rubbed his face with a heavy sigh and freed himself from the covers, glancing at his cellphone to see the time. It wasn't even that late yet, almost 11 pm and Altair felt like as if somebody had struck him with a hammer across the head.

 

Shit.

 

He looked at Malik's shirt and collected it in his hand, smelling it and closing his eyes. He missed him and sleeping without Malik was probably one of the worst things and- wait. No. Just everything was the worst. He hated being without Malik, he hated not being able to talk to him. All he really wanted to do right now was to tell Malik how he felt. He'd let so many chances pass to do so and now it had almost been too late - he didn't want to wait much longer.

 

Altair swallowed thickly. His throat was dry and he needed to take a piss, so he stood heavily and with a groan. His first few steps were wobbly and disoriented, but as he progressed down the hall he became more and more awake, and his strides grew stable.

 

The bathroom was at the end of the hall, if he remembers correctly. He noticed a small, golden line of light on the floor, caused by a slightly open door. He frowned, his sleep-ridden mind telling him to go take a peek, what if Leonardo or Ezio forgot to turn off the light?

 

What expected him though, made his stomach fill up with both warmth and discomfort.

 

Both of Altair's hosts were in the living room on the couch. Ezio was sitting on Leonardo's lap, clad in only black boxers while Leonardo himself still had his slacks on. The two were kissing, Altair noted, though if you asked for his honest opinion, he would tell you that the scene revealing itself in front of him was more arousing than many, many adult films he had seen.

 

Ezio's collar, only slightly thicker than his own, Altair realized, seemed to glow in the dim, orange-tinted light of the nightshade. A chain made out of some darker metal extended down his chest and abdomen, until finally collected between Leonardo's fingers. The artist's other hand, the one which did not hold the chain was curled around Ezio's back, keeping him close and securing him from slipping down and off his lap. Ezio's hands were buried in the artist's hair, squeezing and raking through it with lazy and prolonged motions.

 

Altair felt his mouth running dry at the sight, guilt for intruding something as private coiling inside his stomach, and longing for Malik's touch constricting his heart. He wasn't able to turn away, wasn't able to move his legs as it felt as if they were glued to the floor. He knew he shouldn't watch, not something as private as this and yet he couldn't - the sight made his heart ache with want for Malik. He wanted Malik to hold him like this, to kiss him like Leonardo did Ezio, wanted to feel him and his heartbeat underneath his fingers - he wanted him to be safe and out of the hospital, wanted to see him smile and happy.

 

Leonardo let go of Ezio, tilting his head back and watching him through lidded eyes, the dim light creating large shadows on his face. He whispered something and pulled at the leash forcing Ezio to lower his head while his fingertips moved across his spine as if they were drawing on his skin. Altair could hear how Ezio made a small sound with his shoulders trembling.

 

Altair's hand reached up to touch the collar around his neck. Malik had given him the combination for the lock yet - Altair knew he'd had saved the number in his phone but he didn't want to look it up, he didn't want to take the collar off as it felt like the only connection he still had to him.

 

He stared off into empty space, his fingers playing with the o-ring and time moved on but for Altair it stood still as long as Malik wasn't by his side. He startled when he heard a very soft gasp and watched in time how Ezio's back arched.

 

"Qui?", Leonardo chuckled, his voice rich and warm.

 

"Si Padrone." Ezio's stomach sucked in and his hands moved to search for Leonardo's shoulders for support, large fingers curling around the sharp curve caused by body meeting arm. He ould see Leonardo's arm slipping down the slope of Ezio's back, counting the bumps on his spine through smooth skin.

 

Altair squeezed the collar between his fingers. Ezio and Leonardo were so quiet, he reckoned with reddened cheeks. Ezio and Leonardo looked more of two team than a Dom and his sub, and Altair thought it was amazing just how... loving it looked. It was quite a beautiful sight, sexual as well but the reason why Altair couldn't look away wasn't because of that but because it made him realize what he really wanted. He wanted to see himself and Malik in exactly that place. Leonardo seemed to know where to touch Ezio the best and Ezio knew exactly what to do to please his master, how to get his attention.

 

Leonardo hummed softly, his fingers moving back over Ezio's spine, going all the way up until he could curl his fingers in the man's hair and then pulled hard while leaning forwards, running his tongue across Ezio's exposed throat and following the line of his adam's apple. A second later their lips met again, the soft noise of kissing filling the room mixed with tiny gasps and soft sighs. Altair swallowed his saliva and leaned against the wall, hugging himself.

 

He felt selfish for worrying about his own need for affection more than Malik's wellbeing. His fingers pressed deep into his flesh, but his eyes did not move away.

 

"Padrone, ti prego," Ezio whispered breathlessly.

 

"Shh, be patient," Leonardo smirked and pulled Ezio closer to him, kissing up and down his jaw, to his ear before biting the lobe lightly and Ezio released a tiny gasp.

 

Altair didn't have any idea sorrow could hurt so much, could actually physically hurt but it did, making it feel like as if an iron fist was closing around his heart, crushing it when he watched the scene unfolding in front of him.

 

"Come on... do your work Little Bird", Leonardo whispered into Ezio's ear and leaned back heavily against the couch, spreading his arms to each side, holding the leash tightly in one hand. He watched Ezio and slowly licked over his lips and it reminded Altair of how Malik sometimes looked at him.

 

Ezio shifted his weight, hips pressing down against Leonardo's lap as he lifted his hands to unbutton the artist's shirt, his hands slipping underneath the fabric and palms stroking over his chest.

 

Altair held his breath only to bite down his lip a second later.

 

Ezio looked up at Leonardo smiling and pulling the now unbuttoned shirt apart, revealing the man's stomach and bowing down to kiss his chest.

 

Altair decided to slowly back off He shouldn't be watching this, he realized, shaking his head while he leaned against the wall next to the door. "Ti amo", he heard Ezio whisper breathlessly.

 

"Yes", Leonardo hummed in a warm, loving voice and Altair covered his eyes as he made his way back to his room, cold sweat covering his warm, almost hot skin and he rubbed the bridge of his nose, softly closing the door behind him and crawling back into bed.

 

He wanted to believe that he was growing hard because his mind couldn't deal any longer with his sorrow and pain and maybe that was even the truth. He rolled onto his back and stared up the ceiling, feeling wide awake. His thoughts were tumbling over inside his head and he bit down on his knuckles to keep himself from groaning. "Fuck," he hissed against his skin, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

He needed somebody telling him it was alright to feel like this - somebody should tell him he wasn't selfish, that it was his way of coping. He had met Malik in a sex club - they'd had sex after they only knew each other for a few hours. So maybe sex or him touching himself was making him feel closer to Malik. Altair didn't know - he had no idea what to think. He felt lost and confused, he was afraid and he was tired, he was fucking horny. All he really wanted was to have his lover back... his love, and his need only grew when he was finally allowing himself to think the words, to speak them inside his head; that he loved Malik with all his heart.

 

He bit his lips harder, pressing his palm to one eye and took a deep calming breath, his fingers twitching above his stomach. Altair's cheek pressed against the pillow and he took a deep, shaky breath in. Malik told him to not orgasm without his permission.

 

That did not help him feel any less miserable, but it did calm his frantic mind, somewhat. Having to follow Malik's orders...

 

It felt old and familiar.

 

It was what he needed the most right now and he fell back into that feeling, embraced it and pulled it close to his heart, its warmth spreading through Altair's body and comforting his soul as he fell into a restless sleep.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I'm happy with this chapter.

 Altair made his way towards the bathroom with shaky legs. He'd had no idea what time it was or how early in the morning it was, but it was still dark outside and when he stepped into the hall, Ezio met him coning from the bathroom as well, wearing a shirt now and boxers but the leash was still attached to his collar and Altair wondered if this was the sign for them still being in scene.

 

"Altair?" Ezio murmured groggily, rubbing his own eyes and watching him sleepily before brushing his fingers through his hair to soothe down any knots. "What's wrong?"

 

"Nothing, woke up early," Altair whispered. "Just... gimme a minute", he muttered and Ezio nodded when Altair walked pass him and into the bathroom.

 

"I'll be in the kitchen", he called after him when Altair closed the door, leaning heavily against it rubbing his face. Okay - first things first.

 

He turned on the water and splashed the cold into his face and let it run over his wrists. He looked back up and watched himself in the mirror and for a second he thought he saw Malik standing behind him, smirking. _Thinking about me? I'm flattered Boy._

 

"Worried about you," Altair whispered, leaning on the side of the sink with both palms.

 

He rolled his head sideways and closed his eyes. He could almost feel Malik's hands hugging him tight from behind, pulling him against his warm body. The sensation was soon gone though, leaving Altair cold and miserable.

 

Altair dried his face and hands, then walked into the kitchen. Ezio hadn't turned on all the lights, only one small one which now illuminated the room in a soft almost golden glow and he saw how Ezio was currently working on boiling some water. Altair knocked against the open door so he wouldn't startle him. Sure enough he turned around, his eyes resting on Altair who was simply staying in the door, hugging himself as if he was cold.

 

"Come on in Altair", he said, beckoning at him and pointing at a chair. "How about some chamomile tea? Good for the nerves I heard", Ezio murmured in a hushed voice.

 

"What time is it?", Altair pondered and rubbed his face once more.

 

"Early. Almost 4 in the morning."

 

"So what are you doing up?", Altair pondered and watched how Ezio poured the boiling water into two cups.

 

"Leonardo went to bed half an hour ago and woke me – I can't fall asleep again."

 

Altair nodded once, leaning his elbows on the table. "May I ask something?" he murmured, watching Ezio's back as the man took out a jar filled with what looked like dried flowers and grass.

 

"Go ahead," Ezio replied easily, filling up a small device that looked like a ball made out of a metal mesh dangling on a chain with the chamomile.

 

"How is life with Leonardo? I mean, you have a collar, and Malik told me it meant you were 24/7, but you're not always in a scene, are you?" Altair pursed his lips, hoping the other man would not think of his question as rude.

 

"That depends", Ezio hummed while he continued working, not even stumbling with one step he had to do in order for him to serve them tea and Altair slowly breathed out. "What do you understand as a scene?", he chuckled softly and turned back to Altair while he waited for their tea to be ready.

 

Altair lowered his gaze so he didn't have to meet Ezio's. How come he was blushing and Ezio wasn't? "You know like... kneeling and doing as you're told and all", he muttered quietly.

 

"Oh I see you know - you _could_ say 24/7 means we're constantly doing a scene. You _could_. But it's not like that, I don't have to kneel to Leonardo's feet all the time and he makes sure I won't lose myself when around him, he wants to have me independently", he said and now Altair thought he saw him blushing as he reached up for his own collar, touching it.

 

"So when you're not doing anything intense you're free, right?", Altair guessed, his fingers slipping back and forth over his collar.

 

"Oh god, you make it sound like as if I'm some sort of slave," Ezio chuckled and poured hot water inside the cup with the globe of metallic mesh filled with chamomile in it, letting it brew for a while.

 

"It makes me feel good, knowing I can serve him and make him happy, but Leonardo doesn't demand it from me, I do it out of my free will," Ezio ruffled his own hair. "We have this... way of doing things for each other... Leonardo does a lot for me, too."

 

"Yeah he seems like that sort of guy", Altair muttered and looked onto the table in front of him, his hand falling from his collar to draw small imaginary patterns onto the polished wooden surface with the tip of his finger instead. "How did you know you wanted to do this? I mean it it really sounds like something big", he added after a short while.

 

"I don't know I guess...”, Ezio stopped and sighed. “You know, it had turned into a 24/7 thing before we even talked about it. Leonardo gave me my collar and if I would have wanted to, I could have taken it off when home but I didn't want to. We came to realize he was... sort of dominating me even when we were out of bed so..." Ezio stumbled over his words. "I felt good to do so and it felt right. Did you think about asking Malik?", he asked Altair carefully. “You've been dating for what... six months? Eight months now?”

 

“Six”, Altair muttered. “Four if you don't count the two months I didn't talk to him. You think it's too early?”

 

Ezio chuckled softly again. “No, I mean – it's not as a big of a commitment as getting married”, he grinned when he noticed Altair's flushed cheeks.

 

Ezio took the small metal mesh out of their cups and put it down into the sink. "Leonardo told me you haven't been into this before. Must have quite been a ride for you so far", he hummed and held up the sugar for Altair to see, asking him silently if he want any but he shook his head and declined.

 

"No I- well no. I haven't really tried it before Malik", he said softly. "I think I want to please him you know? I want to get to this point where he doesn't have to give me any orders", he thought loud. "I like it when he's proud."

 

Ezio nodded slowly, adding a single spoon to his own cup. "It will come with time, trust me," he smiled. "It took me a while to learn Leonardo through and through. You'll end up noticing the small things eventually, like how he looks when he is hungry, or if he had a stressful day at work and needs a bit of time to relax and clean up his mind. When he is irritated or worried - or horny. You can drive him out of his own mind if you learn to read him well," Ezio explained while stirring his tea. "Many think that a sub is to do as told and has little to do other than that but I find it very enjoyable to take initiative and bring some of my own ideas into our relationship. If I want to go to the beach, I can talk Leonardo into it. His decline is not absolute," he placed down both mugs then, sitting down next to Altair and smiling.

 

Altair thought he should have had this talk earlier with Ezio but he also knew he'd been too shy before so maybe it wasn't all too bad for them having it now. "And how do you do that?", he pondered quietly and wrapped his fingers around the cup of tea, warming them.

 

Ezio was still smiling but staring into empty space. "Well you know, one time I've told him I needed to buy new swimming shorts and he said he'd take me shopping. So we did and it ended with Leonardo demanding going to the beach so I could try them out", he grinned a little. "You actually have to learn how to say the things you want. Both Leonardo and Malik are men who enjoy seeing you aching with need - wherever it's physical or not", Ezio grinned.

 

Altair nodded.

 

Ezio blew on his tea and looked at Altair from behind his mug. "

 

"You have to learn to read his body language. I know you enjoy bondage just as much as I do and when in scene, Leonardo watches very, very closely just as Malik does - to make sure everything is alright, that we don't go into subspace and hurt ourselves. You need to learn to watch Malik just as well. You know, Leonardo's eyes look red when he's tired and he kneads his hands when he is because he thinks it keeps him awake. If you read Malik's body language correctly you'd be able to read every wish from his lips and believe me, Leonardo and Malik like it when we do", Ezio grinned with a knowing smirk.

 

Altair had the color of a tomato and took a small sip of his tea. He was thinking back to Malik and their last... encounter. He almost forgot for Ezio sitting there and maybe he was speaking more to himself, "There are quite a few things he knows I like a lot", he murmured very gently, lost in his own memories. Altair smiled softly as he recalled the memory how Malik's body felt being pressed tied to his.

 

"It's going to be alright isn't?", Altair suddenly asked and they both knew he wasn't talking about sex or anything related to it.

 

"It is", Ezio said and he said it with such confidence that Altair had a hard time not to believe him. "I know it will - it's going to be a hard time, but I know Malik has Leonardo and me, and you and... he will pull through this. I know he will."

 

Altair nodded softly, still staring into his tea. Ezio stood up, taking his near empty cup to the sink.

 

"I- Ezio..." Altair cleared his throat then, lowering his eyes.

 

"What is it?" the other man pondered, scrubbing his mug with a soapy sponge.

 

"Earlier tonight, your door wasn't closed completely. I saw a glimpse of you and Leonardo while going to the bathroom," Altair admitted carefully.

 

Ezio froze in spot, his whole body going tense.

 

"Well Leonardo and I had a rough day we needed to relax a bit, help us drain that pent-up tension," he mumbled, looking almost shy.

 

Altair nodded again and handed Ezio his own cup over – it was still almost full. "Do you think it's weird I'm thinking about sex and Malik?", Altair was finally brave enough to ask but Ezio shook his head.

 

"I don't think you're weird. You miss Malik. You want to feel close to him - I think it's very normal. Everybody tries to find a way to cope. Sex isn't a bad thing you know?"

 

"Thank you for taking the time talking with me", Altair said and helped with getting the mugs back into the shelf and everything else at its place.

 

"It's alright - couldn't sleep anyway", Ezio muttered and he looked up when he heard some noise coming from the hall and Altair wasn't surprised to see Leonardo standing in the door. He didn't even seem to notice Altair, he was blinking at Ezio with tired eyes, wearing a long pair of black silk pajama pants and a robe which wasn't closed, chest bare.

 

"Come to bed", he simply said and turned around, leaving a very confused Altair.

 

"Did he even see me?", he whispered at Ezio who chuckled softly.

 

"Don't think so", he grinned.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who finds the easter egg?

Morning came too fast for Altair, his phone's alarm yanking him out of his shallow sleep.

 

Two minutes later, he was up on two wobbly legs- his hair looking as if it had been licked by a cow several times- each in different direction. A look in the mirror later, he decided there was a lot of work to do, and the sooner he would be done, the sooner he could get to work and start burning time by busying his brain while waiting for Ezio and Leonardo to pick him up and go to the hospital. He tried to smooth down his hair by using his fingers and hands but it simply was no use - he would like to say he spent most of the night on his back with getting his ass worked but... no, instead he spent most of his night worrying about Malik.

 

He opened the door and couldn't hear anything. It was shortly after 5 am since it would take him a while to get from Leonardo's to his work and he decided to go shower first, then get dressed and take the train. He didn't want to be a burden for Ezio and Leonardo after all.

 

He showered quickly and shaved, his skin smooth again and he knew Malik liked it when he was... And because of Malik, Altair had packed a buttoned shirt and he even out on a tie. Once he was dressed he wrote a short note for Ezio and Leonardo, telling them he was out for work and when they could pick him up, then made his way out of the door and down to the train station.

 

Work flew by for Altair. Letting himself stay busy and not let thoughts take over was getting easier as the day progressed. Altair believed he owed Ezio a big part of this improvement.

 

The sun was starting to roll down the horizon when Altair finally made it outside the building, half a sandwich in hand- something Rauf pushed into his hand and Altair decided to not reject. He only took three bites off of it, but it was a progress still, compared to what he was through the previous day.

 

He could see that Leonardo was already there, waiting with the engine running and gesturing wildly at him. "Hurry up", Ezio called, the window was down and Altair arched an eyebrow but quickly made his way towards the car and got in the back seat.

 

"Leonardo got a call from the hospital", Ezio explained and turned with red cheeks towards Altair while he buckled up and his heart stopped beating for a second. "They said his condition improved over the night and that he could take him out of the coma this noon."

 

Altair dived into the car, shoving the belt into it's socket frantically. "He is?" the man panted, looking panicked and hopeful all at once.

 

Ezio nodded slowly, turning back to face Altair while Leonardo turned back to the main road.

 

"Did they... Say anything else?" he bit his lips, feeling his heart pummeling inside his chest.

 

"Not to far. They said we could get more details when we get to the hospital," Ezio shook his head.

 

"When did they call you?", Altair asked Leonardo now and leaned a little forward. He felt as if he was about to hyperventilate. Just the idea of Malik maybe being awake was enough to make his heart skip several beats.

 

"Shortly after noon-"

 

"And you didn't tell me?", Altair cried and actual sounded angry.

 

"Yes I did", Leonardo said, his voice stern, tone cold, "because I didn't want to tell you anything unless I know the details. What if I told you and then he got worse again and had to be put in a coma again?"

 

Altair pursed his lips. Leonardo was right.

 

"See?", Leonardo said and his voice was more gentle now. "Let's go," Leonardo murmured, buckling his own seat. "He _is_ awake and had been moved to rehab."

 

"He is?" Altair's head snapped up, his voice shaky.

 

"Yes. He's still pretty out of it so Ezio offered we drink a coffee before coming there. They won't allow us in until all of Malik's documents are taken care of, anyway," Leonardo sighed.

 

"Yeah... okay", Altair said although his voice was barely above a whisper. He could tell everybody was tense, the silence in the car almost crushing and Altair didn't know to feel relieved or afraid when they arrived at the hospital.

 

"Here", Leonardo said after they reached the small cafeteria, "let's take a sear near the window. You want coffee?"

 

Altair nodded and a small glance at Ezio was all for the man to get up in order to bring them something to drink.

 

"Are you scared?", Leonardo said softly and looked at Altair with concerned eyes and he nodded weakly.

 

"Me too", Leonardo whispered.

 

Altair felt more like a statue, looking outside the window and watching birds sitting in the cafeteria's court, picking at crumbs on the ground. They hardly talked, it wasn't necessary to try to make smalltalk when both men clearly knew why they were there and they looked up when Ezio returned, a tray with three coffees in his hands and Altair thanked him and was surprised when he didn't sit down next to Leonardo but next to him.

 

"I thought you'd feel better with some support", he smiled when he noticed Altair's surprised look and Leonardo nodded approving.

 

"Yes - actually. Thank you Ezio", Altair breathed and put some cream into his coffee, no sugar.

 

"I'd say we drink and then see if Malik's allowed to have visitors", Leonardo hummed and took a sip of the hot beverage. "Thank you Pretty", he smiled at Ezio.

 

Ezio nodded once and smiled, nudging Altair lightly. "We'll be okay, Leonardo and I will make sure to be with you until Malik is fully better," he nodded and squeezed Altair's shoulder.

 

"Thank you. Both of you," Altair sighed and offered the silver of a smile. "I owe you a big one.”

 

"Not for that one", Leonardo hummed, swinging the coffee in his hand and looking at Altair over the rim of his cup. "I'm sure you'd do the same if I or Ezio were in your position", he added softly.

 

Altair nodded and stared down his own mug, watching the cream swirl in the dark liquid like big clouds pulling across the sky.

 

"Of course", he said eventually and picked up his own cup. "Do you think he'll be enough awake to recognize me?"

 

"If he recognizes anyone it's you," Leonardo smirked. "I'm not sure if you know it, but Malik often likes to inspect his subs... Either by sight or touch," he pointed at Altair. "His ultimate goal is to please you and make you happy. One of the conditions for that is knowing you through and through.”

 

"I see," Altair glanced at Ezio then, noticing his knowing smirk.

 

"I know he's complicated at times and- and I have to admit it used to piss me off a lot at first but when I got to know him better I knew he's just concerned about me most of the times", Altair added with a soft smile as the memories returned to him in bright vivid colors.

 

Leonardo nodded knowingly, "He's not easy", he grinned, "And you better not tell him but I like to think I had to train him.”

 

"Train?" Altair looked confused. "Like a sub?"

 

"Not exactly, no," Leonardo chuckled. "But I was guiding him - and sometimes I had to be a bit forceful, while doing that. We all know how stubborn he gets."

 

Altair nodded and turned to watch his coffee. "He can say the worse things, then, a few weeks later comes to apologize."

 

"Malik tries hard to make it seem as if he's untouchable, as if nothing can hurt him and he chooses the wrong methods to show that", Leonardo explained. "There's a reason for him acting like that or at least I believe there's a reason but he has to tell you this on his own."

 

Altair nodded although he didn't understand a word of it. "I know it's the way he is but it doesn't mean I have to take all of his shit."

 

Leonardo chuckled. "No it doesn't and I think it did him some good that somebody he cares very deeply called him on that. You did good Altair."

 

“Thanks... I guess", he nodded, taking a small sip of coffee.

 

"You earned it. Frankly, I wouldn't have thought for you two to stay together for so long. I'm glad you did though. Sadly I don't have much personal experiences with you to judge, Altair, but I can promise you you've done good to Malik," Leonardo explained, drinking his own cup.

 

"I wouldn't have thought to have such a strong impact on him... I mean, really? I did good to him?" Altair was amazed, sounded surprised and blinked a couple of times. He could feel Ezio's gaze on him and from the corner of his eyes saw the man smiling. "You're not making fun of me, are you?", he asked after a while and narrowed his eyes.

 

"I'm not my friend", Leonardo chuckled and shook his head, "but if you would have known Malik like we did before you came along you would understand."

 

"We're good to go – let's see about him having visitors, no?”, Leonardo pondered.

 

Altair nodded once, taking a deep breath in. "Later, I would like to thank the nurse who let me in the last time."

 

Leonardo arched one eyebrow at him. "Oh, okay - did her shift started yet?" He looked on his phone to read the time.

 

"She starts after five", Altair said softly, holding the empty cup of coffee in both hands. "You don't have to come with me. I can understand if you want to go see Malik first but- but I really need to do this, I know she could have gotten into trouble for doing this for me."

 

"No, it's alright", Leonardo said and Ezio put his hand on Altair's shoulder.

 

Altair nodded and pursed his lips, his jaw hurting from how tense it was. Leonardo finished his coffee in a few gulps, then proceeded to get up.

 

"We'll wait for you here," the man instructed, sitting back down next to Ezio.

 

"Thank you," Altair nodded once and took a deep breath in, heading off to the ICU.

 

He pushed the button for the bell and took a step back, waiting for somebody to open. He felt nervous about this and Altair rubbed his arm and when he could see a shadow through the milky glass he took a deep inhale of air. The door opened and yes, it was the nurse he was looking for who opened it for him, a surprised little smile on her face.

 

"Oh? Didn't they tell you they-"

 

"Moved him, yes I know", Altair said quickly. "But I didn't come today to see him but to see you."

 

"Oh..." She took a small step back, looking up at Altair with quizzical eyes.

 

"I have to go soon, I want to see him," Altair offered her a small smile. "Thank you for letting me in. I needed that more than most would realize."

 

She blinked again, speechless for a small moment. "Well... of course I would let you in, I couldn't be so cruel and let you stand here, could I?" She smiled again, head cocked to one side. "You know it's not very often people come to me after their friends or relatives have been moved from the ICU. Thank you, for telling me. It means a lot."

 

Altair nodded, rubbing his neck. "You're welcome", he murmured and was quiet again. "I... I'm sorry but I really-"

 

"You really want to see him now, I understand", she chuckled. "Tell him hi from me - I'm going to miss him actually", she grinned and it made Altair smile himself.

 

"I'll tell him he was an excellent patient," he chuckled and bowed lightly before heading back to the cafeteria.

 

He could feel his palms getting sweaty and pulse picking up. Finally - Malik was awake, he could see him, he could talk to him.

Ezio and Leonardo got up as soon as they saw Altair appearing.

 

“Come on, I know on which ward they moved him but we need to find out which room", Leonardo explained and took the lead, Altair walking between him and Ezio and he felt so small now, almost lost without having Malik by his side.

 

"I... can't believe he's finally awake", he whispered more to himself than to anybody else while they took a turn. Leonardo gently tapped him on the back, smiling. "Soon," he promised and stopped in front of a row of elevators.

 

"I feel like as if I should have gotten him something, I feel so empty handed," Altair pursed his lips.

 

"Go ahead and do that. He would appreciate a book very much," Leonardo agreed, smiling. "Something light, none of that 3000 pages long Russian literature he reads just to say he read it."

 

"He... can read Russian?" Altair stared open-mouthed at Leonardo, "He speaks fucking Russian?", he asked again in disbelieve. "I didn't- I didn't know that. Why didn't he tell me?"

 

"Well did the subject ever come up?", Leonardo chuckled and pushed the button so one of the elevators opened for them and they all entered.

 

"No but-"

 

"He probably would have told you sooner or later." Leonardo pushed the button for the fourth floor. Leonardo smiled, "Ask him about it sometime," he explained, watching the doors as they closed.

 

Altair nodded and closed his eyes shut, smiling. For a second he relaxed, but it ended to soon when the elevator's doors opened again and they got off.

 

"Let me go and get a doctor", Leonardo hummed and Altair could tell how tense he felt himself. He nodded and stepped closer to Ezio. "So this is it."

 

"This is it," Ezio said.

 

"I just hope... with everything which happened I'm not sure what to say", he sighed and leaned heavily against the wall, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

 

"Maybe he's not going to show it, but it'll do him good seeing you, I'm sure about it. He maybe has trouble with letting you now and-"

 

Ezio cut himself off when he saw Leonardo returning.

 

"Room 1165," Leonardo called once he was close enough to the two men. "We can only visit him for half an hour for now, but it should be longer once they dose down his medications," he instructed while Altair and Ezio followed along.

 

"Corridor B they said," the artist noted quietly, searching the signs on the walls with his eyes. "Ah, here," he gestured at the two men to follow.

 

Altair walked with heavy legs and all of this seemed just like a dream. His life had turned upside down in just one second when Leonardo had told him about the accident a few days ago - he could only imagine how Malik would feel and he knew, it would take a long time for the man to adapt.

 

"Altair...", Leonardo called softly and his head snapped up. "Room 1165...", and the artist gestured at a door.

 

Altair followed his gesture, placing one shaky hand on the door and slowly pushing it open.

 

His heart beet like a wild bird batting itself against the walls of a cage.

 

Malik - Malik was behind that door.

 

He took a hesitant step inside, feeling the ground with the sock of his shoe before stepping on the floor, as if to make sure it would not crumble under his feet. His eyes traveled across the room and then he saw him.

 

Malik was there. Bathed in the orange light of late sunset, his one hand placed on his stomach as he watched the city outside the window.

 

His head turned towards the entrance to the room once he heard the door open.

 

Altair found it hard to breathe, the air stuck in his lungs like tar. "Malik," he whispered, taking a few more steps inside before heading to his side side, breath shallow.

 

Malik's eyes were red and glassy, unfocused and distant. He looked as if he'd just woken up, cheeks hollow and he seemed so very small and fragile. It was as if he needed a minute or two to process the information and to remember he actually knew Altair.

 

But then his lips parted and Altair's heart skipped a beat in anticipation.

 

"Out", he said in a rough quiet voice, swallowing heavily and Altair could see where the corners of his mouth were torn and dry from the tube.

 

“Get out.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's rather short, I'm sorry :( Also, more fanart: http://artofcarmen.tumblr.com/post/52175890204/some-quick-sfw-male-bondage-doodle-for-a-wonderful This time from artofcarmen on tumblr - you should really check out her blog and website, she does some amazing art!

Altair blinked at him. "Malik... what?"

 

The blood in his veins turned cold, almost icy and it hurt to breath as his chest grew tighter and tighter.

 

"Get. Out", Malik said again and his eyes looked a little more alive now but Altair didn't believe his own ears.

 

"No", he shook his head, "I won't go." He could see how Malik sunk a little deeper into the bed, his chest heaving underneath deep breaths – it probably took all of his strength to talk.

 

 

“Altair, out," Malik rasped, his nostrils flaring.

 

"No, Malik..." Altair shook his head, taking a step closer. "What are you talking about?"

 

"I will not talk to you Altair, get out," Malik sounded shaky, almost broken - if you could read well enough into his voice.

 

"No- what? Why?" Altair was close to just go over to Malik's bed and shake him to put some sens back into him. This was not what he would have expected, he'd waited so long for this moment and... no! This was _not_ supposed to happen.

 

"Get out or I call the nurse."

 

Altair heard steps behind him but didn't turn around, his eyes still set on Malik. He looked so different, so foreign – he was still the same of course but you had to be an idiot to not see the change in him. He was still in a bad condition, his body drained of its strength. His skin looked gray, eyes tired and all in all, Malik just looked very, very tired – tired of life.

 

"Malik", Leonardo started and who had walked up behind Altair, "you don't know what you're saying-"

 

"Get him out Leonardo, I can't stand seeing his face", Malik whispered in a hiss, looking as if he was about to throw up, disgust written all over his face.

 

"Malik," Leonardo warned in a low tone. "This is nonsense."

 

"Get him out Leonardo, or I _will_ call the nurse and tell her to not let him close to me again," but the man did not budge, his eyes narrowing further.

 

Altair took a few steps back, feeling as if icy water was running down his spine.

 

Leonardo whirled around, looking at Altair with a mix of worry and anger. "Altair," he spoke quietly but firmly. "Listen to me. There is little we can do now. If Malik calls the nurse, you might get banned from visiting him. This is... far from perfect. This is shit, I know. Let me talk to him, please."

 

Altair looked up at the man, betrayal clouding his eyes.

 

Leonardo sighed, “I'll do the best I can for you, Altair. I promise. I'll talk some sense to him."

 

He nodded weakly. This was a dream, a new nightmare unfolding in front of him. He was desperate for Malik, needed the other man like he needed the air to breath - and it made Altair angry, so fucking _angry_ that Malik once more pushed him away after all they'd been through.

 

"Yes", he growled and swallowed his spittle, "you do that." Altair's eyes turned on Malik, glaring back at him. "Let's hope you get through that big fucking head of his", Altair spat and turned around, nodding at Ezio who was watching the scene from the door. Only when he was outside did he lean against the wall as he no longer could keep himself up, slumping down onto the floor to sit down while breathing heavily.

 

 

xxx

 

 

Leonardo slowly turned back to face Malik, his shoulders tense and back straightened.

 

"What the hell, Malik," he hissed, taking a few loud steps and closing the gap between the two of them. "What is wrong with you?!"

 

"What isn't?!" Malik hissed back. He pointed at his arm angrily. "Look at me and tell me what is wrong with me," his voice gradually turned weak. Leonardo was not someone Malik would hold his masks up around.

 

"Your behavior is about the only thing I can find as an answer," Leonardo answered angrily, holding the rails of Malik's bed tight enough to turn his knuckles white.

 

"I'm a fucking cripple. Fuck... Leonardo..." he took a shaky breath in. "Get him away from me... Get him away as far as possible.”

 

"You are such a fucking idiot. What or who do you think Altair is, my friend?" Leonardo said the last part in a soft, sad tone. "He's your lover first of all.”

 

Malik opened his mouth for a reply but Leonardo cut him right off. "Ezio and me took care of him, he wouldn't have slept, drank or ate without us because he was worried sick and still is. He came here every day to see _you._ He was scared about you not because of you.”

 

Malik stared at him with pursed, then his features softened. He couldn't held up his mask for too long with Leonardo facing him. "I can't deal with this right now", he whispered eventually and to Leonardo, it looked as if Malik was finally breaking apart. "And Kadar..." He rubbed his eyes with his hand, the IV connected to it.

 

“What about Kadar?”, Leonardo said, his voice soft now and he sat next to Malik on the bed, placing his hand on top of his right one.

 

Malik slowly looked up at him, eyes red and puffy. “What?”, he almost mouthed the word since his voice was so thin.

 

“We've tried to look for him but it seems he was brought to a different hospital and-”

 

“Don't”, Malik stopped him, staring down into his lap, pulling his hand from underneath Leonardo's. “Stop it.”

 

“What?”

 

“They didn't bring him to a different hospital.”

 

“They didn't?”

 

“No”, Malik shook his head and he closed his eyes, swallowing hard as it looked like as if he was melting into the bed from exhaustion. “He didn't make it.”

 

Leonardo didn't dare to breath, didn't dare to move. The room felt colder, the air icy and his lungs burnt with the need to breath. “I'm sorry”, he whispered eventually, his hand hovering over Malik's shoulder but in the end he pulled away.

 

“There's nothing for you to feel sorry about.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You didn't drive that car did you?”

 

Leonardo went pale. “No-”

 

“You weren't the one deciding drinking and driving is a good idea.”

 

“No but Malik-”

 

“Then really”, Malik hissed, “there's no reason for you to feel sorry.”

 

Leonardo sighed and took a deep breath, bracing himself for the storm which might come next. “Can't I feel sorry for my best friend's loss?”

 

He watched how Malik pressed his lips into a thin line, staring straight ahead of him with his nostrils flaring. It was just then that he broke, his eyes slowly closing with his right hand trembling, his fingers covering his eyes to hide the tears.

 

"I know", Leonardo muttered gently and reached out to squeeze Malik's right shoulder. "But sending the people away who care about you won't make it easier. Don't push Altair away, you need him as much as he needs you right now."

 

"But what if he walks away after a few days or weeks. I'd rather see him not at all than watching him turning his back on me." Malik's hand fell from his eyes and Leonardo saw him taking a deep breath in, his shoulders shaking – he could only barely hold it together.

 

"Why are you so certain he would, Malik? Haven't you two been through enough trials before?" Leonardo pursed his lips. He knew what all of this was really about – Malik would rather deal with the fear of losing Altair, than dealing with the pain of his brother's death. "If he came back to you after you have betrayed his trust, I believe that the lack of an arm would do little to change his mind."

 

Malik averted his gaze, his eyes full of pain. "I won't be able o give him what he deserves, Leonardo... I've lost everything I-”

 

"He needs you," Leonardo cut in, taking a deep breath. "Altair won't ever be able to fill the gap but you are not alone.”

 

"I can hardly say I am the same man anymore. Maybe a shell. That's what it feels like."

 

"Yes, understandable", Leonardo nodded. "But you have a clever boy Malik, do you think he's stupid? You're scared I know you... Don't look at me like that, you can't try to hide in front of me", Leonardo told him gently.

 

"You have no idea what you're talking about”, Malik suddenly snapped at him and Leonardo prepared for the wave of unleashed anger to hit him, “I take painkillers for a fucking arm I don't even have anymore! Don't tell me what to do when you have no idea what it feels like to walk in my shoes."

 

Leonardo sighed. If Malik needed this then he would give it to him. "No, I don't know what that feels like Malik, and neither does Ezio or Altair, but that does not mean we are going to leave you," Leonardo clicked his tongue, not taken back by the man's words.

 

"He will leave me once he realizes I'm not enough for him! Once it dawns on him that I'm too fucked up to be worth it!" Malik panted, glaring angrily almost challenging at Leonardo. “That... K... Kadar is gone and... I'm not even..." he chocked on his own words, wiping his eyes with his one arm.

 

"Don't try to tell me you're not fucked up already", Leonardo said and offered him a small smile, trying to take some of the tension. "Now, what I'm going to do is to get Altair back in here but I won't accept for you to kick him out again. Please Malik", and Malik knew Leonardo hardly begged ever, "be a reasonable man. I know all of this is not easy, but you're acting stupid right now and are to make a mistake. Altair is the best who ever happened to you, don't let him go."

 

Malik opened his mouth again but Leonardo already turned towards the door. "No", Leonardo said, "you _will_ talk to him. Now." With that he was outside and beckoned Altair to come in.

 

"No... Leonardo! Fuck! I... Time! I need some time!" Malik groaned, shaking his head and tensing his jaw.

 

"Fuck... Fuck!" he hissed, rolling his head back.

 

He was not ready yet. Not ready at all.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

“I don't think this is a good idea", Altair muttered and tried to keep Leonardo from pushing him inside. "If he doesn't want to see me then I'd rather not see him at all... it's going to break my heart otherwise."

 

"Don't argue now. Go in and see him," Leonardo urged the man inside, watching him carefully as Altair took the first step in and it looked as if he was bracing himself for some firestorm inside the room.

 

"Malik," Altair called quietly, closing the door behind himself.

 

He looked small in his bed, tired and he took a deep breath in and licked his lips. "Come in.” Malik's voice was tense.

 

Altair took a few steps forward, never taking his eyes off Malik until he was by his side. His chest felt so tight he thought he'd suffocate any moment and the more air he tried to pump into his lungs, the smaller they got.

 

"I... Look," Malik sighed, finally turning to face Altair. "I'm sorry, but I doubt we can have much of a talk at the moment," he paused, trying to phrase his words in his head. “I need some time – alright? I am asking for you to give it to me. I need time to sort out my thoughts and accept my new reality," Malik's lips twitched at that, eyes narrowed.

 

"I am sorry, but until then I would rather you did not see me. If you feel like you might want someone else as company while I am gone, I trust you to find the code in your phone and use it. I won't hold any grudge against you," Malik concluded eventually, easing back into his mattress.

 

"May I say something?" Altair murmured quietly in a shaky voice.

 

"Go ahead," Malik nodded once, takng a deep breath in.

 

"I know this is difficult for you and it must be hard for Kadar too with what happened to you-”

 

“Altair.”

 

“two with the accident and all-”

 

“Altair.”

 

Altair looked up.

 

“Stop talking”, and Malik voice had dropped a few octaves.

 

“What?”, Altair mouthed and he thought he could see Malik falling apart right in front of him.

 

“Kadar...”

 

Altair got this sick, sick feeling at the pit of his stomach. “Where is he?”

 

But Malik pressed his lips to a thin white line, shaking his head and closing his eyes while he took deep breath through his nose.

 

“I'm-”

 

“Don't you dare telling me your sorry”, Malik whispered and rubbed the bridge of his nose before he slowly opened his eyes again. “Please.”

 

Altair swallowed and nodded, not knowing what he should say to that. Malik _was_ broken, not just physically but also emotionally and to be honest, it was the first time ever Altair had to deal with something like this and he had no idea what to do. He almost felt relieved when he saw Malik opening his mouth again. “I don't want you to waist your time", Malik said and Altair took a nearby chair and pulled it close to Malik's bed and sat down.

 

"I'm not waisting my time, you proved so differently in the past. You fought for me back then, why do you want to give up now?" The hurt was obvious in his voice.

 

"What would you want with a cripple like me anyway...", Malik whispered.

 

"You're not a cripple," Altair frowned. "I mean... You lack an arm, but that's about it. You can still walk, pee, maybe not drive a car but I have a license too and it's not as if I don't have my own spot in your bed and a pair of slippers and a toothbrush," he tried to reason, pressing his cheek to the metal bars framing the bed.

 

"I won't be able to properly dominate you," Malik said next, his voice cracking towards the end.

 

“This is not the topic right now”, Altair said surprised and looked up at Malik.

 

“I won't even be able to cook”, Malik added next and oh, now Altair understood and he sighed heavily.

 

“Malik... We'll find a way. You're going to learn these things again, you're going to adapt. I know you will, you're strong.”

 

"I don't think I'll be able to do _anything_ now", Malik whispered and looked off into empty space, his eyes lidding.

 

Altair blinked. "No I mean - we don't need to I ... I like you... not only for the sex and collar and if you don't mind, I won't take it off. I still want to be yours, I-" But he bit his lip to keep himself from talking.

 

"Altair..." he muttered quietly.

 

"Just... Please don't leave me alone. If you don't feel comfortable enough I'd even accept being just a friend but... In all honesty Malik, I'd rather stay in touch."

 

"Don't make this harde on me than it already is", Malik breathed softly and looked down on his one remaining hand.

 

"You've hardly been awake, you've been in a coma, fuck - Malik, at least grant yourself the time to consider your decision. If you still don't want to see me in two days, alright... fuck me, right? For wanting to stay at your side", Altair huffed. He was angry, furious really and he only showed a glimpse of what storm was truly going on inside of him.

 

"Altair-"

 

"No, Malik, I... I can't take it for you to leave me. Again." He was whispering now, his voice all breathy and hoarse. His finger stroke across a single fold in Malik's sheet. "You mean too much for me..."

 

Malik sighed, rolling his head to look at Altair.

 

"Why...? Why do you stay by my side time after time, after I hurt you, reject you, make you feel like shit..." he whispered, his voice tense.

"I've already told you...", Altair hummed softly, his finger following the line of Malik's sheet. "I've got to know you the last couple of months... I know why you do certain things most of the times, I- I'm too miserable when you're not by my side and... and..."His heart was pounding fast and his palms were wet, so Altair rubbed them along his pants. It didn't help that Malik was staring at him, his lips set into a thin line. "I've wanted to tell you this", Altair whispered softly and stared down on the floor, "for quite a while now." He looked up, his eyes locking with Malik.

 

Malik cocked his head to one side, but he was still looking grim.

 

Altair took a deep breath to brace himself. He'd said this a million times inside his head but now as he was about to speak the words out loud, they felt like razorblades in his throat. "I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time and- and the reason why I want to stay by your side is because I love you."

 

Malik felt his mouth turning dry. "You-" he croaked out, his bottom lip turning shaky as he tried to sort out the own turmoil of emotions brewing inside. "I-" he coughed, panting and swallowing his saliva. "You actually mean them..." he replied weakly before biting the inside of his cheek. "Altair" he whispered in a pained voice. "You-"

 

"I know, I know - it's the worst time to tell you that. But allow me to be selfish Malik. I've harbored it for too long and I felt that if I couldn't tell you this right now, I won't be given another chance."

 

"I see...", Malik whispered and now he couldn't stand it any longer to hold Altair's gaze.

 

"You don't have to say anything", Altair quickly told him, "I just wanted you to know how I feel. If there's something I've learned, then that life can end so fast..." He swallowed thickly and saw how Malik's muscles tensed and this time he dared to take his hand, lacing their fingers together. "You once told me that you think we could be the start of something great. I still do,... please. I know you need time, I know but- please, just think about your decision, that's all I want, I can't- can't take it to have my heart broken again." Altair wanted to be selfish.

 

Malik looked back at him, miserable. "Am I really worth all this heartache, Altair?" he sighed, shoulders slumping.

 

"You make me happy," Altair whispered. "You make me feel like I belong. Like I am finally accepted for who I really am with all my flaws and I enjoy being around you. You're witty, intelligent, understanding most of the time," he chuckled at that. "You can be a bit mean, but it wouldn't have been fun if you were just nice all the time..." he pursed his lips then. "I don't really know why Malik. You just are. I mean.. All of these reasons... They're just the extras. I love you because I just do."

 

Malik kept quiet and Altair thought he wouldn't say anything anymore. He just was about to open his mouth again when Malik spoke again. "I will think about it that's all I can promise you right now", he murmured and it was hard to understand him at all. "I'm sorry for hurting you again, I really am and I honestly don't mean to-"

 

"I know", Altair said, "I do." He nodded softly and felt victory washing over him since Malik hadn't pulled his hand away yet.

 

"You're not just saying all of this because of what- of what happened?"

 

Altair shook his head. "I've been meaning to say it for quite a while now and I was afraid I won't get another chance to get it off my chest if I don't do it now."

 

Malik slowly nodded and took a deep breath in. "Alright," he murmured, his fingers twitching in Altair's hand.

 

"Okay I just-"

 

But whatever it was Altair wanted to say, he was interrupted by the door opening and a nurse standing in the frame. "His time is up, he has to go", the nurse said, facing away from Altair and Malik and Altair assumed she was talking to Leonardo before she focused on Altair, stepping inside the room.

 

"I'm afraid you need to leave sir", she told him and took Malik's side. Her eyes fell on their joined hands and for a second Altair thought he saw disgust in her eyes. He nodded once and squeezed Malik's hand. "Tell me when, then," he asked quietly.

 

"Don't worry, I'll let you know," Malik replied quietly and slipped his fingers away from Altair's hiding them under the blanket.


	8. Chapter 8

 

Being separated from Malik was still something he wasn't used to. It wasn't even as if he hadn't gone a day without Malik before, he'd managed to to cut Malik off for several weeks after all but... This was pure torture. This was something he hadn't chosen, this was something keeping them apart by force and Altair hated every single second of it. He would have never thought for it to be possible to feel about somebody else like this, ever. Especially after Maria. Maria had broken his heart, he had to admit that and he'd been bitter about it for a very long time. He'd never wanted anything to do with Maria ever again and yet, he had sought out her advice after the first time he panicked when he'd realized just how much Malik had gotten underneath his skin. It only made him realize how good Malik was for him, how much good he did for him. On some level, he brought out the best in Altair and he thought that was something not many people could do.

 

He knew he was more than just smitten when it came to Malik. He knew his whole personality had done a whole 180, that he had changed. Altair was sure to know what he wanted after he went through this rollercoaster of emotions and one of these things was Malik.

 

After he'd seen Malik yesterday and after he'd been able to talk to him for the first time since his accident he felt not calm but more at ease than the days before. He knew he was on the borderline of everything falling apart but he also knew that it probably needed time for Malik to come around and who could really blame him? He'd lost his brother, the last of his family he still had. He'd lost his arm, he would have to adapt to a new life would have to learn so many skills... Altair couldn't take him seriously about what he'd said at the hospital, not when he was hurt as badly as he currently was.

 

Most of the times, Altair managed to keep his head up. But then there were those moments were his thoughts turned back to the younger brother. He hadn't known Kadar very good. He'd met him a couple of times, he and Malik have had dinner with him on a few occasions but most of the times Altair had stayed at Malik's apartment, Kadar had been either in his room or out. He hadn't known him very well and yet his heart was ready to burst when he thought about his death. It just wasn't fair. Kadar had been too young to die, it was a fate not meant to be and yet... And yet he hadn't make it and Altair could only imagine how it tore Malik apart.

 

“How are you doing today?”

 

Altair looked up from his empty screen only to see Rauf crouched down next to him, eyes searching for Altair's.

 

“I'm sitting here breathing”, Altair muttered back and it sounded bitter, of course it did but he thought it was a stupid question for Rauf to ask. He also hated the look of pity Rauf send him and now he was being unfair to his friend just being concerned about him. When Rauf still showed no sigh of leaving anytime soon Altair sighed. “I'm okay, alright?”

 

“You look like shit Altair.”

 

Altair gave him a glare. “You don't say.”

 

Now, there's one funny little fact about Altair. One of the things he probably hated the most was to not being in control – this seemed funny considering the fact he loved every second of being at Malik's mercy every time he tied him up with Altair laying motionless to the man's feet. But what he hated, absolutely hated was when life used him as a little punchingball. Right now he felt like it. When he'd learned about Malik's accident he'd been too worried to let any other emotion shine through but now, now there was enough space for his anger to rise and shine even though it made him act unfair towards the people caring about him. Rauf just had the bad luck of bad timing, meeting Altair's anger with no reason.

 

“I'm just saying. Maybe you should take a few days off until Malik gets better.”

 

“Here's the thing Rauf, he won't get any better unless he starts growing another fucking arm.”

 

Rauf knew about Malik's condition, Altair had told him after the first time he'd went to the hospital. The frown on his face didn't ease. “You know that's not what I meant”, he said after a while, his hand moving to Altair's shoulder and squeezing it in a comforting manner. “But you're not doing yourself any good if you keep pushing you like this. You know you can afford to take a few days off and-”

 

“Look, Rauf I'm not some damsel in distress alright? I can take care of myself.”

 

“Is that the reason why you're staying with friends?”

 

Altair slowly pushed himself away from his desk so his chair rolled a bit backwards. “Okay, what?”

 

“Even a blind man can see how you're doing, I'm just saying it'll probably be better if you stay with your friends for a while until things get better.”

 

“Just because I take it up the ass doesn't mean I can't look after myself”, Altair growled at him and it was loud enough for some of their co-workers to hear and Rauf hushed him immediately.

 

“Okay, come on”, he said and grabbed Altair by the arms. “I have no idea what's that got to do with it but I'm sure you're going to explain to me over a cup of coffee down the street. It's already time for lunch anyway, we could take our break together.”

 

“I don't want coffee”, he said but Rauf had already pulled him up by his arm and shoved his jacket into his chest. “Yes you do”, Rauf said and ushered Altair towards the elevator.“You only get yourself fired if you keep that behaving up. Come on Altair, what's them matter with you?”, he frowned once they were alone riding the elevator downstairs, Altair leaning against the wall.

 

Altair felt some of the burning, tight knot inside his chest ease a little but what it left behind felt only worse. “I have no idea”, he muttered and run his fingers through his hair.

 

“Maybe I should buy you a beer instead of a coffee”, Rauf said and tried to smile a little.

 

“I think I really don't need anything”, Altair sighed and looked up the ceiling before wiping his face with both hands. His rage had been like a fire storm, collapsing over his body like a wave and burning everything in its way until their was nothing left but hot ash. He felt tired.

 

“Now now, come on”, Rauf said and pushed him out of the elevator and through the hall until they were outside on the street. “We'll find you something nice and then you're going to tell uncle Rauf what's up with you.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

“He said he thinks it's best if we don't see each other anymore.”

 

Rauf sighed and leaned with his back against the small wall, overlooking the river in front of them and watching ships go by while wind was ripping at his clothes and tousling his hair. He looked down where he held his cup of coffee in his hand before he took a sip. “Why did he say that?”

 

Altair sighed and put his own cup on top of the wall. “I think right now Malik tries to occupy his mind with all sort of things as long as it means he doesn't have to think about his brother's death.”

 

“His brother is dead?”

 

“I didn't tell you?”

 

Rauf slowly shook his head. “No you didn't. That's... wow, that's really tough.”

 

Altair nodded, swallowing hard. “Yes... He said a lot of things. Looked as if some of his biggest concerns was that he thinks he can't dominate me properly anymore and-”

 

“Woha, woha, woha! Dude, that's something I don't wanna know about. I mean it's bad enough that I know what that thing around your neck is”, he said and Altair couldn't really blame him for reacting like that – but Rauf had wanted to know what's wrong with him and he told him. He just had to realize that not everybody was like Leonardo and Ezio and maybe this was a topic he better saved for the two men to talk about. “Sorry, I didn't want to offend you Rauf.”

 

“You didn't offend me you just made me feel comfortable.”

 

“I didn't mean to do that either.”

 

“I know”, Rauf hummed and looked back across the river. “And I know how hard this is for you but I'm sure Malik will come around eventually.”

 

“Yeah”, Altair sighed and looked back up at the clouded sky. “Everybody keeps telling me that.”

 

“Maybe that's because it's the truth?”

 

“I don't know...”

 

They were both quiet for a very long time and their break was long over by now but neither of them said anything and Altair was glad for that. “I've told him how I feel about him”, Altair said eventually, his coffee empty by now but he still kept clinging to the cup as if he was holding on for dear life.

 

“And how do you feel about him?”, Rauf asked quietly, watching Altair from the corner of his eye.

 

“I love him of course.”

 

“Of course”, Rauf muttered and smiled a little. “I don't think it has always been that obvious to you as it is now.”

 

“No you're probably right...” Altair smiled a little himself before it slowly faded again. “I can only hope he'll come around.”

 

They went back to their office an hour later and it was around five when Altair got a text message from Leonardo.

 

'You need a ride?'

 

'Can you give me a lift again?'

 

'I'm waiting downstairs.'

 

“I'm going to get going”, Altair sighed heavily and saved his work before turning of his computer, turning towards Rauf. “I'm not going to take some time off Rauf”, he told his friend finally. “If I stay home all by myself I'm going to go nuts.”

 

Rauf smiled at him. “Alright, I can understand that. Take care then, alright?”

 

“It's not like as if I'm alone.”

 

Rauf chuckled. “Call if you need something.”

 

“Will do”, Altair muttered and went to meet with Leonardo downstairs.

 

“Hey”, he said once he slumped down in the seat next to Leonardo. “Thanks for picking me up.”

 

“No problem”, Leonardo hummed and started the engine to pull out into the streets.

 

The afternoon had gone lazy and way too slow for Altair's liking although his little talk with Rauf had done him some good and he was glad for having Leonardo and Ezio. He had no idea how he could ever repay them for what they'd done for him the last couple of days.

 

"How was your day?", Leonardo hummed softly as they stopped at a red light.

 

“Went too slow for my liking but had a good talk with Rauf.”

 

“Who's Rauf?”, Leonardo pondered curiously.

 

“Co-worker of mine... more like a friend by now. He was there for me after Malik pulled that shit on me.”

 

“Ah I see”, Leonardo smiled. “It's good to have friends.”

 

“I have actually never been the person with much friends”, Altair said slowly. “But yeah, I guess you're right.”

 

“You've talked with him about Malik?”

 

Altair nodded and sighed. “I need to figure out what I want to do now.”

 

“Oh? How do you mean that?”

 

Altair sighed again and leaned back in his set. He honestly hadn't give it so much thought, all he had really focused and looked forward to had been Malik waking up. But now as he was awake and avoiding him and that seemed to change everything.

 

"I guess I need to wait for Malik's decision. If he still doesn't want to see me after the hospital releases him I have to take my things out of his apartment." He glanced at Leonardo, he wasn't sure if it was the answer the man wanted to hear.

 

"Oh, trust me, Malik is not that patient to last more than two weeks. He'd call you in before he is released," Leonardo shook his head. "But I hope you think up of possible responses in case he continues being neck-deep inside his own ass and tries to push you away."

 

"Didn't you say we would surely be back together?" Altair's stomach felt as if pierced by icy needles.

 

"Yes. That does not mean he won't try pushing you away at first. It is Malik we are talking about. He might do something stupid because he is insecure and feels that if he tries to face something and fails everyone will judge him.”

 

"And what should I do in case he tries to push me away?" Altair frowned, forcing his voice to stay even. The very thought of parting from Malik made him sick to his stomach although the thought might turn into a possibility to happen and he had to face it.

 

"I think you know it for yourself: be stubborn. We all know what he really wants - and that is to continue his relationship with you. He's scared." Leonardo spoke in a low voice, watching the light turn green in front of them.

 

"That I would leave him because of what happened? His arm?" Altair's own voice was oddly quiet.

 

Leonardo nodded. "He never really had a steady relationship. Tell him. Let him know you are staying with him because he is Malik, and not because he is a man with a whip and a taste for handcuffs." Leonardo chuckled at his own words and shook his head. “Malik's so hopeless at times...”

 

"But I told him that", Altair huffed and looked outside the window, watching shops and people passing by. "He's a stubborn idiot who doesn't know what's good for him. If I wouldn't know better I'd say he's a damn masochist", Altair said in an angry sour tone and dropped his hand in his lap, fingers curling into a fist. He felt the wave of rage building inside of him again.

 

"That's good", Leonardo grinned, "you're angry and you have every right to be but not at Malik. He's in a difficult position", he added gently. "Be angry at the fucking idiot who killed his brother", and now his tone held some bitter anger as well.

 

Altair huffed, "I know I just want him back. That's all I'm wishing for."

 

"You'll get him back. Malik is a cretin at times, but he is by no means an idiot. He just doesn't like stepping out of his comfort zone and getting hurt," Leonardo clicked his tongue. "And he doesn't want to risk it and allow you back because if your feelings for him slowly fade. He would not be able to go on. Whenever I got to meet him and you were not there, he would constantly feel for his phone through his pocket or stay really quiet and then smirk, like he was remembering something." Leonardo drummed his fingers on the steering wheel when they got into a traffic jam, cars honking around them.

 

"Why me? I'm not special, I'm not Kadar..."

 

"No you're not but he can get through the loss of his brother with you by his side but he won't be able to make it when he's going to lose you as well", Leonardo hummed. "He needs you. More than you might think."

 

Altair slowly nodded.

 

"Be patient, be there when Malik's reaching for you and don't let him go."

 

"How can you know that?"

 

"Because I've known Malik for a very long time and I've seen him after his mother's death. Refused to talk to me for weeks and only left his apartment for work", Leonardo clicked his tongue.

 

Altair sighed and rubbed his face. A headache was slowly forming behind his left eye. "Alright”, he hummed. “I try to trust you Leonardo."

 

The artist smiled and nodded. "He'll come around and if he doesn't, I'll beat some sense into him," he smirked. "You should worry about the best comebacks to have to every excuse he throws at you."

 

"I'm sure I can think of something", Altair smiled softly.

 

“So”, Leonardo said while the cars in front of them got slowly back into motion. “Ezio wants to cook for us tonight and asked if we could pick up some things from the store. Have you ever had Bistecca alla fiorentina?”

 

Altair slowly shook his head. “No?”

 

Leonardo laughed at that. “Oh, you're going to be in for a treat then tonight boy.” 


	9. Chapter 9

"Leonardo? Do you want some more?" Altair thought it was the first time he'd heard Ezio calling the man by his name. But maybe it was only something he was imagine right now. Ezio had cooked them some wonderful dinner and ever since he'd started dating Malik, he'd hardly eaten any meat so tonight has indeed been a treat for him and dear lord, Ezio was a god when it came to cooking.

 

"No. You're always cooking so good, I think one day you will have to roll me out of here." Ezio chuckled at that, his cheeks reddened from the wine they'd had. "I don't mind..."

 

"No, really, Ezio, I'm stuffed for tonight," Leonardo waved his hand, smiling. "You really did great in the kitchen today, Pretty, I'm proud of you," he spoke in a low tone, placing his hand on top of Ezio's. "I can see you put a lot of effort into it."

 

"Only the best for you", Ezio purred, then turned towards Altair, "and for out guest of course", he added in a soft whisper and narrowed his eyes and Altair didn't know why but felt himself blushing.

 

"Quite the appetite you have for that", Leonardo noticed and slapped Ezio's thigh, sending him a stern look. Ezio's head snapped back to look at Leonardo pleadingly. "I didn't mean any harm," he insisted, blinking slowly.

 

"You did not look at the steak with the same hunger you have right now," the artist growled, narrowing his eyes. Ezio turned the color of a tomato. "Can you blame me?", he muttered sourly and Leonardo actually chuckled, "No but it's rude. I don't have a greedy boy do I?"

 

Altai watched silently and felt somehow... He honestly had no idea how he felt. He just thought back to Malik and wanted to tell him about the looks Ezio gave him ever since he sort of moved in with him and Leonardo. It sounded weird, even to his own ears, but he liked the idea of having this effect on other people and telling Malik about it because in the end, Malik would be the only man Altair would return to at night.

 

"No..." Ezio rubbed his own forehead. "Must be the wine setting me loose," he muttered and kicked the floor with the sock of his foot.

 

"I don't mind," Altair blurted then, looking up and pursing his lips. He could practically feel the heat radiating off of him. Both Ezio and Leonardo turned their heads towards Altair and oh - shit, has it been the right thing to say that? Oh well, fuck it. His head felt thick with alcohol and his tongue loose. "I mean, Ezio can say that or look at me... like that", he added and Leonardo rubbed Ezio's thigh. Altair sucked a deep breath in and downed the last of his wine before swallowing it. "I don't mind at all.", he added weakly and sunk down his chair.

 

Leonardo smirked and rubbed higher up Ezio's thigh, making distress show more clearly over Ezio's face. Ezio squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his fingers against it. "Sir.." he murmured, looking miserable and turned his gaze to Leonardo in a quiet plea. "Yes Pretty?", he purred in a low voice as if he didn't have a clue. "Wine got to your head again? I bet you've started drinking while cooking."

 

Ezio nodded weakly and drew a sharp breath in. Altair watched them, cheeks hot and face red. He told himself it was the wine but he knew it wasn't the alcohol's fault alone. He felt desperate for Malik, missed the man terrible and he felt in need for something, _anything_ to make him forget the burning feeling of loneliness and-

 

"Do you have any idea what you're in for when you allow him to look at you like that?", Leonardo asked Altair, cutting right through his train of thoughts. Altair slowly nodded, but looked quite uncertain and lowered his head. Leonardo chuckled. "Oh I understand now when Malik says you're cute. You see, he and I and of course Ezio as well believe that sex has nothing to do with being unfaithful to your lover, and the reason why I'd ever agree to this is because I know if Malik would be with us tonight, he would encourage you just as I encourage Ezio. But since he isn't and as I don't know how far Malik would let you act, there's no way I would give Ezio the permission to fuck you."

 

Altair thought it still sounded strange when Leonardo used such words.

 

"But I'd recommend talking to Malik, Altair", Leonardo added gently. “Ezio here won't bite and, well, something here gives me the impression you could need some comfort, mh?”

 

Altair nodded, surprised by how right Leonardo was. He knew he wanted something to happen, he just wasn't sure... _what_ exactly. He watched how Ezio licked his lips slowly, feeling like he was his prey. "I could still offer some relaxation Sir. I could use some of our massage oil?" he purred, lacing his fingers and leaning forward on the table, supporting himself on his elbows and grinning at Altair. Altair couldn't look away from Ezio, could not ignore his eyes boring into his and in all honesty, he didn't want to - it kept his mind away from Malik and for a moment, he could forget about the pain.

 

Leonardo nodded, smiling and watching Altair and Ezio while his fingers traveled over the man's crotch. "If Altair gives you his consent, you may Pretty but you won't get to play with him tonight. You can do him some good but I want you to ask Altair loud and clear and I want to hear the boy's answer loud and clear. You're not going to touch him otherwise", Leonardo purred.

 

Ezio nodded, taking a deep breath in. "May I... be of service tonight, Altair?" he said in a surprisingly soft voice. "I promise to stop if you ask me to," he bowed his head lightly.

 

Altair nodded once, clearing his throat. "Yes.." he croaked, rubbing his beet-red face. "I'd like that," a lot. Leonardo chuckled and he leaned over, fingers wrapping around Ezio's neck to pull him in for a kiss. "You know where to find anything Pretty and I trust you enough to take good care of or guest. I'm sure Malik wouldn't appreciate it much if I had to tell him you harmed his boy in any way... You know how much pain he can bring", Leonardo said before he kissed Ezio gently but briefly on the lips.

 

"Of course sir", Ezio muttered and he seemed a little breathless as he watched Leonardo standing up.

 

"I'd stay and watch if you don't mind, Altair," the artist hummed, burying his hand in Ezio's hair and scratching his scalp slowly.

 

Altair nodded, his eyes looking up at the blond man. "It's... It's okay Sir. Please stay.."

 

"Since you've asked so nicely..." Leonardo buried his fingers in Ezio's hair and brushed it this way and that way with Ezio closing his eyes in pure delight before Leonardo yanked his head up. "This is Malik's boy and you're going to take good care of him and nothing else, yes Pretty?", Leonardo whispered and while Ezio was swallowing uncomfortable he still smiled.

 

"Yes sir", he grinned and Leonardo let go of his hair. "Good. You have my permission", Leonardo hummed. “If you want to use that massage oil you better get your pretty ass up and get it then boy”, Leonardo grinned at Ezio and watched him rising out of his chair.

 

“I'll be right back”, Ezio said and gave Altair a brief look before he turned towards Leonardo again. He was just about to pass him when Leonardo's hand on Ezio's chest stopped him and he leaned in for another kiss again before he let him go.

 

Altair watched their exchange and maybe both men shouldn't have stopped focusing on him because that had gotten him time to think. Once Ezio had left the room he could no longer keep it in. "Why am I so horny when Malik’s in the hospital?", he just blurted out and turned crimson but Leonardo smiled softly, almost sad at him. "Because Malik is somebody who only offers comfort when it involves sex and domination and I just assume you need both the most right now in order to feel safe. Never heard of Pavlov Altair?"

  
  


"Pavlov? No, never… Isn’t that a cake?" Altair frowned, looking somewhat confused.

  
  


"That’s Pavlova," Leonardo chuckled and shook his head. "He had this experiment with a dog… Every time the dog got fed he rung a bell. The dog started drooling and happily got to eat. Pavlov repeated this a couple of times and at one point he just rung the bell. The dog started drooling even though he wasn't fed but because he was associating the bell with his food."

  
  


"I’m not a dog!" Altair looked at Leonardo with wide eyes and the man laughed. "No you’re not but I take it you’re associating comfort with sex, hence you’re horny like a sixteen year old."

  
  


"Ah…" Altair leaned back, rubbing his cheeks. “I… Well.." He had to admit that yes, having sex with Malik was indeed very comforting, both physically and mentally. "It’s not a bad thing. It just tells a lot about how your bedtime with Malik looks like," Leonardo noted, smiling.

 

"Oh god", Altair groaned and covered his eyes, then peeked between his fingers to look at Leonardo. "Hey uhm... since I've been asking you so much already”, and because he'd just basically agreed to have sex with Ezio – well, sort of, “When I first met you, when... Malik used that belt on me - did you two talk about that later?"

 

Leonardo nodded and his eyes lidded. "Yes we've talked about it", he purred.

 

"And?"

 

"And what Altair?", Leonardo said his name softly.

 

"Why did you do it", Altair pondered and remembered back then he'd felt Leonardo's erection.

 

"Malik often takes my advices when it comes to subs. The ones he feels like he wants to keep, anyway. He sees me as his mentor," Leonardo chuckled. "And if I may have my personal input you were quite tempting that night. If I didn't have Ezio already, I would ask him to share as often as possible."

 

Altair's face was beet red now. "I... I mean... Ho... Why?"

 

"Altair please... don't you know how tempting you are? The way you react to pleasure and pain, how you look how you act. You're truly a sub, born for it weren't you? You always had in you, all you needed was somebody to take your hand and guide you", Leonardo whispered softly. "Somebody like you is very very rare", he purred lowly.

 

Altair felt like a small boy, watching Leonardo's eyes wordlessly.

 

"That doesn't make you any less of a man, if you might suspect it like Ezio used to. It makes you a wonderful person people could dream about," Leonardo smirked. "Malik is a lucky bastard."

 

"It hasn't been always easy you know", Altair said after a short while. "It took a very long time for me to accept this side about myself. I just wonder how Malik knew or if he was just guessing about me."

 

Leonardo grinned. "Malik probably knew. He can tell you who's gay and not and he can tell you who's a sub or a Dom. He can read people very good."

 

"Yes I know", Altair said and smiled sheepishly. "I came to realize that very soon."

 

There was a small knock on the door and it soon opened with Ezio's head appearing. "I don't mean to interrupt but uhm... I think I forgot to buy oil sir", Ezio said softly and locked his eyes with Leonardo. Leonardo rubbed his cheek for a moment. "Did we use all of it already?," Leonardo wondered out loud.

 

“I fear so sir", Ezio said just as Altair was about to open his mouth again to continue speaking with Leonardo and said man sighed heavily and turned back to Ezio, smiling.

 

"Then you either don't use it or you go out and buy new one", he said to him, his voice firm but yet friendly and Altair saw how Ezio rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortable. "But it's a long walk", he sort of whined and looked almost sheepishly at Leonardo. He probably would rather just not use it on Altair and get down on him anyway but with how Leonardo looked, Altair got the feeling the artist wanted him for himself just a little while longer – Altair didn't mind. Talking to Leonardo always had a calming effect on him.

 

"You walk then", he said and Ezio wanted to say something again but Leonardo had already focused back on Altair and even though he couldn't see Ezio, he still said, "You walk, Ezio and if you say another word I will send you to the store walking again tomorrow but believe me when I say walking won't be as comfortable as it is today." He then smiled back at Altair. "Now, where were we?", Leonardo sighed and rubbed his face. "I'll make it up to him when he is back," he muttered, rolling his head back.

 

Altair smiled, nodding. "That's... That's good, taking care of your sub," he agreed, placing both hands on his own lap.

 

Leonardo pursed his lips then. "Is that some pact you have?"

 

"Pact?" Altair blinked, confused.

 

"Yes. An agreement you support each other no matter what so Ezio would get more spoils."

 

Altair looked confused or at least he tried to. "What? No we don't have a pact-", he started but knew he'd already lost when Leonardo fell into his words.

 

"Don't lie to me now", he said, his voice was firm but he was smiling still.

 

"We honestly have no pact", Altair said again but his cheeks were reddening, "I mean at least we didn't call it that..."

 

"Mm... What is it then?" Leonardo chuckled, rubbing his chin with interest.

 

"We just... Had this conversation about how we behave and as result get more spoils from our Doms, I was trying to help bring up to light Ezio's hard work, sir," that would do the trick, right?

 

"...oh, like now when you're calling me sir, wanting to please me, mh?" Leonardo chuckled. "Do you think I don't know when Ezio does that?" His smile got even wider. "Of course I do and I chose to ignore it so he has his fun. That's the exact behavior I'm aiming for, Altair and it's the exact behavior Malik's aiming for with you. Congratulations, you just understood the concept of BDSM perfectly", his smile was huge now. "It's all about what both parties want. You want to make Malik happy and he wants to make you happy. You serve him, he spoils you - simple as that."

 

Altair gulped. "Yes no... I mean," he groaned, rubbing his neck. "What I mean is that um... He cooked really well tonight, didn't he Sir? It would be very nice if you would really pay special attention to his needs tonight, sir, more than usual."

 

Leonardo chuckled and leaned back in his chair. "That is not for you to worry about. I trust Ezio to milk the good treatment out of me without anyone's help."

 

"I didn't mean to be underestimate you and your ability to dominate Ezio properly Sir", Altair said quickly and licked across his lips nervously. "But I am proud of him, for teaching you some things", he admitted with a soft nod of his head and he leaned a tad towards on his knees. "You know Altair, when I look at you like this... when I hear you talking about Malik, when I hear you asking all these questions... it makes me wonder if you honestly never had the fantasy of being dominated ever before. Malik can't be the first one to stride that side of yours?"

 

"I've had some experiences with BDSM before with my ex, but she wasn't really into it. Either way, whatever we did was very much vanilla, Sir," Altair shrugged once, recalling his few attempts to make Maria dominate him.

 

"I wonder how Malik managed to pick you out of the crowd. He usually has very little patience towards people new to the Domination and submission concept," Leonardo smiled knowingly. "Judging by the amount of effort he put into helping you grow, he was ready to announce you as his partner from day two, if not day one."

 

"You really think that?" Altair stared wide eyed at him and wow... shit, if this wasn't Leonardo he was talking to he would probably wipe away a few tiny tears of joy.

 

"Do you question me boy?", Leonardo grinned. "I know Malik for a really long time now and he's too impatient as if he'd work with amateurs. I tell you one thing, whatever it was what got Malik interested in you, it wasn't sex. Maybe the looks of yours?", Leonardo mused and reached out to brush his thumb over Altair's lips without thinking about it. His fingertips moved down his throat before he withdrew his hand again, resting it in his lap. "Malik's so hopelessly in love with you, only a blind wouldn't be able to see that."

 

Altair scrunched his nose. "I was pretty lost on our first encounter, now that I think about it." Altair leaned back against the palms o his hands.

 

"Well, as a fresh sub I'd say you got one of the best Doms I know," Leonardo chuckled. "He might have his head up his ass at times, so to speak, but he is good at heart. Very considerate and very fair most of the times. He does not let malice sip into his scenes, Altair. That is one of the most important things."

 

"No, I know and it was actually very, very hard to understand that. When he fucked up... I know he didn't mean to, I know he didn't do it because of malice but it was difficult to understand and it was even more difficult to forgive but - I think it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I chose him in a whole, with good and bad sides and I don't want him any differently."

 

Leonardo nodded, a warm smile standing on his lips. "Once he gets back to senses, tell him that. Malik is his own worst judge."

 

"I know," Altair nodded, then sighed deeply. “This might sound stupid but I feel like as if I'd need a hug....”, he said lamely.

 

Leonardo cocked his head just so, smiling still and stood up, holding out his arms. All Altair had to do now was to step inside and he did, slowly pushing himself off his seat and crossing the tiny distance separating him and Leonardo, the man's arms closing around his waist and shoulder, one palm rubbing across his back. "Did Malik teach you that? To be honest about what you desire, to voice what you need most?", he muttered and Altair nodded weakly, chin pressing on Leonardo's shoulder.

 

"Yes he did... he taught me to not feel ashamed for anything when it involves what I need to make myself feel good..."

 

"He did a fine job," Leonardo smiled, leaning Altair against himself. "You should never feel ashamed of asking something from your dom... And while I know Ezio and I are not that, I think I speak for both of us when I say we are as supportive," he added, slowly scratching Altair's scalp. "We wouldn't judge you based on your needs. That's what turns BDSM so wonderful in my eyes- the ability to let go of etiquiette and fulfill your needs."

 

Altair nodded against Leonardo's shoulder and slipped his eyes shut.

 

"I think we most of all should know how hurtful that can be... being judged for just who you are or for who you love", Leonardo muttered softly, his warm breath moving over Altair's hair. Altair knew what he was talking about - while being gay was not something to be stoned for death anymore... at least not in most countries in the world, it still was something frowned upon even though not by all but still too many people.

 

He looked up when he heard a soft knock on the door but didn't let go of Leonardo. Ezio's head appeared again and his eyes widened a little at the sight which greeted him but then went back to normal. "Got the oil sir", he said quickly and made to step into the room but Leonardo held one hand up. Ezio stopped in his tracks. “You won't need it tonight boy”, and Leonardo was looking at Altair while he said that. “I will come for you in a bit Ezio”, he said with a smile and while Ezio looked more than just confused he nodded and closed the door again.

 

“Did you talk about something like this with Malik?”

 

Altair swallowed. “We... You know we've once talked about having an audience like, uhm, you and Ezio but I think we never really did talk about having sex with other people or getting... massages from them”, Altair said with a frown on his face.

 

Leonardo cocked his head to one side and pursed his lips. “I see. You know Altair I know Malik for quite a while now. He's my closest friend and I can tell you a lot about his sex life. I meant every single word I've told you earlier but I'd rather have you talking to him first before everything happens. Plus...” Leonardo's smile widened, “You don't seem ready for this yet.”

 

Altair nodded. "I just really miss Malik..." he murmured after a short silence, hunching his shoulders.

 

"I know. I miss him too, so I can only imagine how it is for you..." Leonardo sighed. "I'll do my best to get his mind back on the right track, Altair. You have my word."

 

"I know. Thank you. For everything. You've done quite a lot for me the last couple of days and I don't know how to ever repay you."

 

"Having you as my guest is enough for you to repay me with Altair", Leonardo smiled, his fingers moving still across his back. "Malik's family and so are you now", he added in a soft murmur and wow, Altair hadn't thought for Leonardo to say something like that.

 

"Really?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Does that mean it's my turn to do the dishes tonight?" Altair chuckled.

 

"You can help Ezio in the morning," Leonardo said, tapping Altair's shoulder twice. “Once you've talked to Malik.”

 

Altair nodded. Yes. He really needed to talk to him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You better be prepared for this...

“Fuck”, Altair cursed underneath his breath rubbing his two palms together while he stood in front of the door, ready to turn away and leave again. His hands were sweaty and his heart beating a little too fast for his own liking, his knees weak. Shit, what was he thinking? He couldn't do this, he wasn't ready for it yet – he didn't know what would happen if Malik would turn against him once more. He didn't know if he'd had the strength to endure that one more time. So he was afraid. Yes. Quite a lot to be honest and when he rose his hand again to knock at the man's door it fell down to the side of his body before his knuckles could even meet it. Altair took a step back, turning around to look outside the windows with his back facing the door.

 

Malik was expecting him. Altair had written him a text earlier that day to let him know he was stopping by after work and Malik had agreed. Malik. Had. Agreed. It was sort of a huge deal – no, actually it _was_ a huge deal because he'd been writing Malik for the last week every day telling him he would stop by after work only for him to tell Altair that no, he wasn't yet ready to see him. Today was different though and it was the reason why Altair's heart was beating so fast and why he felt like throwing up any minute now. He felt so sick to the stomach it almost hurt and he could already taste the bile rising up his throat. Altair swallowed heavily again. No. He could do this.

 

He turned around and without hesitating, knocked against the door. He didn't wait for an answer but opened it right away – if he waited for too long he feared he'd lose his courage and might turn around right away. The door fell heavily into its lock behind him and Altair flinched a little. It was so loud outside in the hall, with all the nurses and doctors walking around, friends and relatives visiting their loved ones that the silence in Malik's room was almost too much to bear for him. He looked up, his gaze falling on Malik's bed and Altair frowned. It was empty. He turned towards the small bathroom right next to the door and a quick look told him it was empty as well so there wasn't a chance Malik being in there. Altair still frowned but decided to just stay and wait for him – he just wondered why Malik wasn't there when they were supposed to meet here. He sat down on one of the chairs, pulling it closer to Malik's bed. His hand reached out for it, his fingers brushing over the blanket and he resisted the urge to lean forwards to smell it – that would have been weird wouldn't it? Altair scoffed softly. Totally weird...

 

He startled when the door opened, the sound of a wheelchair being pushed over the PVC floor filling his ears and Altair got halfway up when he saw Malik with a nurse on his tail, pushing him although he didn't look very pleased about it. “I can take it from here”, he told her and Altair wondered if Malik could feel the sour look of hers burning into the back of his head but he didn't seem to care but instead grabbed the right wheel with his hand while he sort of maneuvered the wheelchair with his left leg too as a replacement for his left arm. “I will pick you up tomorrow then”, the woman told Malik even though he didn't even look back at her or made any other sign that he'd heard so she sighed and slipped out of the room with a roll of her eyes. Which left Altair alone with Malik and Malik just stopped in front of the bed, leaning back in his wheelchair and leaning his chin on his hand, watching Altair.

 

Malik looked different. Altair remembered him all broken and lost in what seemed to be a way too big hospital bed but now- Now he looked angry and Altair knew enough about life that with anger came strength. “Hey”, he said eventually and got up from his chair, looking down on Malik while he in return didn't bother to look up at Altair but kept staring straight ahead. “I can't stand this room”, he said eventually and Altair held his breath, the sound of Malik's voice sending chills down his spine. “I want to go outside.”

 

They hadn't talked much ever since Altair's last visit, ever since he'd... confessed. Sometimes, since the accident happened and when Leonardo had stood in the middle of the night at Malik's door falling around Altair's neck and telling him about what had happened, his life had made a 180 degree turn – again. When he'd started seeing Malik, since that night at the _3:88_ he'd been confused quite a lot. There had been a lot of things he'd needed to think about, to sort them and just as he got it all figured out his life got turned upside down once more. Now he was confused again – but Altair thought life did that to you when your partner got almost killed in a car accident, lost his arm and brother while you tried to stay sane when your friends were practically celebrating life every god damn day and dragging you into their bizarre relationship.

 

No, Altair wasn't angry, he wasn't bitter. He liked Leonardo, he liked Ezio and he enjoyed his stay with them. But the more he got outside of their apartment, the longer he stayed _outside_ , it felt as if he got more in touch with reality. Staying with Leonardo and Ezio sort of felt unreal, as if he was trapped in a place like a kinky Disney World, only for adults. At the beginning of his relationship with Malik he'd felt the same. They've been doing all these things and Altair had been torn between his sexual fantasies and the real life outside. During the day he was sitting at his desk, doing his work like the obedient little worker he was, talking to his colleagues, smiling, having small talk while at night and as soon as he entered Malik's apartment he was most of the times naked, kneeling to a man's feet and moaning because he got the pleasure of sucking his toes. It was especially hard for him when Malik decided to mix those two worlds by giving him orders through out the day, like shoving a toy up his ass and edging himself all day long. Malik offering to go outside was a pleasant surprise because it meant he would get on neutral ground with him and right now, Altair really felt in the need for that. He wanted to keep all of the BDSM out of their relationship as long as Malik was as vulnerable as he was now but he slowly got to realize that it wasn't possible. Malik had once told him that he _lived_ BDSM, that giving up on it was also giving up on life. Altair understood that know. He wasn't able to shake is role off either. What he liked to call his role had become his personality a long time ago – he only realized that now.

 

“Do you need help?”, he asked and as Malik sent him this angry glare he held up his hands in a defeating manner. “Whoa, I was just asking”, he told him and shoved his hands into his pockets, looking a little sour and taking more interests into the patterns on the floor than Malik.

 

“No”, Malik said, his voice didn't matching his look at all and when Altair met his eyes he saw that his gaze had softened. “No, but thank you for offering it”, Malik said and his voice was almost too soft for Altair's liking. His whole body relaxed as well and he released a small breath. “Alright... okay”, Altair sighed and run his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. “The weather's nice today anyway.” He waited for Malik to take a look at him before turning his wheelchair around – the loss of your arm, a coma and surgery made your body weak – Altair was surprised he could actually manage to gather the strength to sit in a wheelchair and move it on his own.

 

“Where have you been?”, he asked once they were out in the hall, the door falling shut behind them as Malik moved his wheelchair towards the elevators. “Earlier before I came I mean”, Altair added.

 

“Physical therapy”, Malik said and they were moving slowly, really slowly but Altair didn't mind, he watched rather fascinated how Malik managed to keep his wheelchair straight with only using his right arm and left foot. “They show you how to operate a wheelchair too”, he said as he noticed Altair's looks. “I'm obviously not very good at it yet”, he muttered underneath his breath and Altair realized he misinterpreted his looks completely.

 

“I thought it's quite the opposite”, Altair hummed and instead turned his head to look to his left and outside the windows.

 

“There's no need to flatter me Altair”, Malik growled and it made Altair stop, sighing.

 

“So this is how it's going to be?”

 

“How's what going to be?”, Malik asked and Altair realized that not only Malik was the one who seemed different today but also he himself. “You turning my words around with everything I say to you?”, Altair pondered while both his eyebrows rose. He wasn't saying it too friendly either, rather annoyed. “Because fuck this shit Malik, I'm not the guy giving you pity.”

 

“Yeah just like you didn't want to push the cripple in his wheelchair out of his room-”

 

“I was being nice for god's sake!” Altair's voice rose and they both had stopped, Altair glaring angrily at Malik while he was copying his gaze just perfectly. People were moving around them, the busy chattering of nurses and doctors filling Altair's ears, replacing the white noise that seemed to swallow everything. “Malik”, he said, voice softer now and he reached for his shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Is this how you see yourself? As a cripple?”

 

The word stung, Altair could see that by how Malik's jaw tensed and how his eyes grew distant as he turned away from him, his gaze burning into the elevators doors. “Am I not?”, he asked after a moment. “Well, that depends...”, Altair said and he took a step forward, waiting for Malik to get the hint and follow him – he didn't want to have this conversation in the middle of the hall. “Depends on what?”, Malik asked although he didn't look at Altair but kept his gaze set on his goal, the elevators.

 

“On how you see yourself.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because a good reputation is the most valuable thing we have”, Altair said gently, putting his hand on Malik's shoulder and pushing ever so gently against it. “If you steal my money, you're just stealing trash. It's something, it's nothing: it's yours, it's mine, and it'll belong to thousands more. But if you steal my reputation, you're robbing me of something that doesn't make you richer, but makes me much poorer.”

 

Malik had stopped moving completely, looking up at Altair. “Othello”, he gasped and Altair nodded. “Right now you're stealing your own reputation Malik by thinking of yourself as a cripple. So tell me, how can I see you not as one when you do everything to make people believe you are one?”

 

“I'm not-”

 

“Yes you are”, Altair cut right through his words to hinder Malik from speaking them out loud because speaking them meant they could become real and he refused to let that happen. “Malik”, he said his name again, walking in front of him and crouching down, the people moving around them and while Altair didn't want to have this conversation right here, it seemed to be something that needed to happen right now and could no longer wait. “Tell me you don't see yourself as a cripple and I will believe you but I want you to be honest with yourself.”

 

Malik looked at him, really looked at him and he rubbed his chin, covering his mouth with his hand in the process and kept staring like this at Altair for a long moment. Eventually he nodded. “You're right”, he said and Altair smiled a little, his hand falling to Malik's knee and squeezing it while Malik's hand found the wheel again.

 

“I am a cripple”, and Altair's smile froze just like that. “And it was a silly thing for me to think the things could still work between the two of us.” His fingers gripped the wheel tighter. “I'm sorry for giving you false hopes”, he said and Altair's hand fell from Malik's knee as he pushed himself backwards, away from the elevators and back to his room. “I am indeed a poor man”, he said and all Altair could do was watch how Malik brought more distance in between them. “But reputation is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving.”


	11. Chapter 11

'1137'

 

Altair looked down on his cell, his thumb brushing over the numbers on the screen. It was a text from Malik and Altair didn't have to ask what they stood for. It were the same numbers Malik had saved into his phone after they'd been shopping but Altair had refused to look them up – now he didn't have to anymore. He wasn't sure if he felt ready yet to take the collar off, even just thinking about it made his stomach twist painfully, whenever he reached up to touch the smooth steel his hands were shaking and he felt physically ill. It was as if somebody told him to eat glass – you knew it was wrong, you knew it would hurt and you knew it was dangerous. Taking off his collar would mean almost the same, it was wrong, it would hurt and Altair knew it'd be dangerous for him. He put his cellphone down when he heard steps out in the hall, a figure stopping right in front of his door.

 

“You don't have to do this.”

 

“Yes, it's exactly what I need to do.” He still wondered how things could have turned so fast – he was falling but the impact didn't come, his stomach flipping and Altair hated that feeling. He was packing the last of his belongings into his little bag before he closed the zipper, then looked back up at Leonardo standing at the door. “There's one thing I've learned these last couple of days: the more I tried to keep Malik close the more he slipped through my fingers. This isn't going to work if I don't give him the space he needs like he asked me to right from the beginning.”

 

“You're still talking as if you two are together, he-”

 

“He broke up with me, I know”, Altair said and pursed his lips. He honestly was surprised how calm he was but maybe he was still in some sort of shock, not yet able to fully grasp the meaning of it. He hadn't tried to follow Malik back at the hospital. He hadn't tried to stop him. Altair still held his pride dear and if Malik didn't want to see him, if this was how Malik truly saw himself -as a cripple- then he wouldn't go after him trying to convince him the opposite. It had been quite clear for Altair from then on. Malik thought it wasn't possible for the two of them to be together – at least not at the moment. When the right moment would come was another question entirely. Altair knew how hard it could be to adapt to a new situation, to a new life, after all he'd needed to do the same although it didn't involve losing a loved one, nor a limb for that matter. “He's going to regret his decision and he's going to come back – you've said so yourself”, he muttered and looked up, pulling the zipper a bit too hard. It made him angry seeing how Malik thought of himself. It made him want to throttle Malik, to punch some sense back into him – not that he was a man of violence, no, but he felt so fucking helpless that he sometimes didn't know what else to do. No matter hot great his pain was, he would never resort to violence. Worse than the anger was the pain though. To stand by and watch somebody you love beating themselves over like Malik did was something Altair couldn't bear. It ripped him apart witnessing how Malik cut his own heart out.

 

“Yes but-” Leonardo stopped with whatever he was going to say and instead rubbed his chin before he stroke over his beard. “I know Malik, I know he will come around eventually but...” He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes up the ceiling. “I think moving out and cutting all strings is a bit drastic.”

 

“No it's not”, Altair snapped and he looked down in embarrassment because he hadn't meant to sound that harsh. He realized he would have to go back to his own place eventually, he couldn't run from this forever. He would have to manage his life without trying to stay under the protective, little shell which was currently Leonardo's and Ezio's apartment. “Malik's in a very fragile state right now, I got that alright?” Altair straightened his back and stood next to the bed, looking at his bag as he wasn't able to meet Leonardo's gaze – the artist looked more heartbroken than Altair, actually. “And I think it's finally time to stop thinking about myself but about him.”

 

“What?”

 

“Malik needs to sort out his life. When he's done with that I'll be there but until then it's a path he has to walk on his own.” Altair looked at Leonardo, taking a deep and calming breath before his hands flew up to the collar. He slowly walked up to the other man and then turned around, presenting his back. “1137.”

 

“What!?”

 

“It's the combination to open the lock. I can't do it on my own.”

 

“I won't take this off of you.”

 

“Malik sent me the combination after I've left the hospital. He wants me to take it off.”

 

“Maybe he just wants you to have the combination in case of an emergency-”

 

“No.” Altair shook his head. “He already saved the numbers in my phone. He wants me to take it off, so...” He gnawed on his lip. He wanted to get done with this as soon as possible, Leonardo just unknowingly prolonged his misery. “Take it off”, he said again and turned his head a little to look over his shoulder. “Please.” He could hear how Leonardo sighed heavily behind his back and he knew Leonardo thought of this just as wrong as Altair did. It _was_ wrong it wasn't right and damn Malik for making him do it, it was not fair, it was- He heard the soft click of the lock and then felt how the familiar weight of the collar was lifted off of his neck. It was done, just like that – no big words, nothing. It had felt so special when Malik had gotten it for him, when he'd put the collar around his neck. Taking it off didn't feel special at all and to be honest, Leonardo was the wrong person to do so. This was supposed to be Malik's part and Altair knew that Malik was owing him this. It made him angry, yes, of course it did but he knew that anger wouldn't solve this mess for him.

 

Leonardo let the collar slip from his fingers and fall to the bed. “I'm so sorry for this”, he said and put his hand on Altair's shoulder, squeezing it once. “Are you sure Malik meant-”

 

“Yes I'm sure”, Altair cut through his words. Leonardo had already asked him a couple of times, what if he misinterpreted Malik's words? But no, there was no denying it – Malik had made it clear that the two of them couldn't be together. At least not now and Altair had no idea when it would ever change. As dramatic as it might sound, he just hoped he'd survive that long. “This feels like the worst Drop ever”, he sighed and didn't waste another look at the collar but grabbed his bag to make his way out of the small guest room which he'd called his own the last few days.

 

“It probably is”, Leonardo agreed, shaking his head in a defeated manner. “Malik's a very proud man – just like you are”, he added with a stern look and crossed his arms in front of his chest while leaning against the door frame watching Altair. “I mean I understand the whole 'Giving Malik the space he needs'-speech but honestly, do you have to break up for this?”

 

“You know Leonardo”, Altair said slowly, his fingers curling tightly around the handles of his bag, “right now I like to think of Malik and me as a fairy tale and we're going to live happily ever after.”

 

Leonardo smiled at that, “But that's not a bad thing.”

 

“Well”, Altair said and licked over his lips, “I agree but you know... fairy tales aren't real after all.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

They say time moves slower after you've lost a loved one, some would maybe agree with that. Altair wouldn't. Time has flown by ever since Malik had been woken from his coma, ever since that moment in the hospital where Malik had told the two of them couldn't happen at the moment. Maybe time has flown by because Altair had wanted to avoid this day as much as possible while he wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything in the world at the same time. He had mixed feelings about this, his legs felt heavy and his head too light as if he was walking through a dream. The whole morning had felt unreal, when he'd gotten dressed to the moment he'd stepped onto the train. The world kept turning and maybe that was the worst, life kept going on while he tried so desperately to find the emergency brake.

 

It was raining and Altair thought it couldn't fit any better. There weren't many people, and he could easily spot Leonardo and Ezio sitting in the front row with umbrellas in their hands. Malik hadn't wanted something big so only Kadar's closest friends had been invited. There was this girl Altair knew he'd been working with and whom he'd just started to date, his best friend from his childhood days and two more people Altair didn't know. He made his way over to Ezio and Leonardo and sat down, the rain dripping on his umbrella making it sound like a thousand tiny drums. None of them said anything for several minutes and Altair was actually thankful for that because his voice would have failed him anyway. His eyes were fixed on the urn, the rain dripping off the smooth stainless steel. It was something simple and Altair thought Malik had made a fine choice by picking it. It was beyond his understanding how he'd managed to organize the funeral while he was still at the hospital but it wasn't as if he'd gotten the chance to ask him anyway. There was this small hole in the ground next to the urn where it'd be put after the ceremony. It felt unreal to think that the boy who he'd been talking to not too long ago was supposed to be in there. That he wouldn't come back, not tomorrow, not next week but never. It felt unreal that such a young life had ended under such dramatic circumstances, that Kadar's heart had stopped beating before he'd even gotten the chance to truly live his life.

 

“Where's Malik?”, Altair asked eventually, his voice raw and rough and he licked his lips, tasting the salt there. He was sitting right next to Ezio so Leonardo leaned a little over nodding with his chin into the direction behind Altair. He turned a little and looked over his shoulder and saw Malik sitting in a wheelchair a few feet away from all the chairs which had been put in front of the urn, a nurse standing behind him holding an umbrella. “There won't be a religious ceremony”, Leonardo said in a small voice. “He and Kadar weren't practicing Muslims.”

 

“I know”, Altair nodded and he looked back up. “Will there be any sort of ceremony at all?” Leonardo shook his head. “No... this is just us saying good bye.”

 

 

xxx

 

 

“I think that if Malik wouldn't be still in the hospital he might have held a ceremony at home”, Leonardo said thoughtfully once Malik had been wheeled up to the front, pushing the button himself which had brought down the urn into the ground, grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it into the small hole before he was gone. He hadn't talked to anybody and Altair didn't even hold it against him... just a little maybe because he wasn't the only one missing Kadar, he wasn't the only one grieving and he certainly wasn't the only one who'd loved Kadar. Altair had talked to the girl Kadar had dated for a bit, had shared some memories and had mostly made smalltalk but he could tell how comforting it been for her to have somebody to talk about Kadar with. Malik's reaction didn't surprise him though – it had surprised him more that Malik had even come and not just after they were all gone. He thought one of the reasons for him to get going as fast as possible again was his arm – a look was all it needed and Altair knew just how uncomfortable he felt. Malik was thinking of himself as a cripple, there was no doubt he'd thought other people would too.

 

“It would have been the better choice, yes”, he agreed and rubbed his fingers along the handle of his umbrella. He looked over to that girl who was talking to what he thought were friends of Kadar's and when she noticed his look she smiled weakly and waved over to them. “I don't feel like going home”, Altair said once he'd returned her shy little wave and looked at Ezio and Leonardo. “I feel like getting wasted.”

 

“I don't- I'm not the person who gets wasted”, Leonardo sighed and he leaned a little against Ezio, Ezio wrapping his arm around his waist. Ezio looked worse than Altair and Malik together and Altair was surprised Ezio was still able to stand. Ezio had basically grown up with Malik and Kadar since Malik used to be best friends with his older brother Federico. He knew Kadar and Malik from a very early age, had known Kadar and Malik by far longer than Altair and Leonardo have. He was not only saying farewell to Malik's brother – most of all he was saying farewell to his friend.

 

“I feel like Altair, I don't wanna go home yet”, Ezio muttered and he looked a bit tired when he was meeting Altair's gaze. “Alright”, Leonardo said and shifted the umbrella in his hand a little. “I will meet you home then”, he told Ezio and leaned over, pressing a light kiss to his cheek. “Can I leave you two alone without having to worry?”, he asked both men.

 

“Yes”, Altair nodded briefly, holding out his hand into the rain to see if it'd gotten any better. It didn't. “Where do you wanna go?”, he asked Ezio, watching how Leonardo's hand slipped into his, squeezing it once. Ezio cleared his throat, his voice small and fragile. “Downtown somewhere.”

 

“Downtown”, Altair nodded. “Alright.”

 

“Good”, Leonardo agreed, “I drop you off there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it was kind of fitting to put Altair taking his collar off and Kadar's funeral into the same chapter. You could say this chapter's theme is 'Farewell'


	12. Chapter 12

  
  


“How's Malik doing?”

  
  


Altair looked up, shrugging. “I wouldn't know”, he said. “I haven't talked to him ever since he went to rehab.”

  
  


“Huh - and here I thought I'd be the only who's calls he ignores”, Leonardo said in a low voice and cocked his head to one side, looking at the painting in front of him, closing one eye to get a better look then added another line. “Do you know how much longer he's going to be there?”

  
  


“He said he doesn't know but it's already been three months so... I hope he comes back soon”, Altair muttered and watched Leonardo painting, the sound of soft music playing in the background dancing around his ear. “And you two haven't talked?”, Leonardo asked with arched eyebrows and to Altair it looked like as if he didn't know on which he should focus more, his painting or Altair. So Altair took the decision from him and nodded towards his painting, reminding Leonardo to add that damn line already.

  
  


“Not... really.” Altair frowned. “I mean, he sent me a text when he'd gotten released and that he starts rehab now but-”

  
  


“But?” Leonardo looked at him over his shoulder, the dim light creating shadows on his face and making his eyes seem almost black.

  
  


Altair hadn't said no when Leonardo invited him to come over. Ezio was out of town for a whole week and Leonardo liked having company during the evening hours since that was the time he mostly started to work. It wasn't a rare occasion for him to paint till the early morning hours when he was on a good streak and Altair liked watching him creating some art. He always thought it fascinating for people to learn how to draw, how to play an instrument, how to write – it was the very evidence for how committed somebody could get to something they’ve developed passion for; and to Altair, passion was life.

  
  


“But nothing”, Altair groaned. He was sort of tired talking about Malik since there hadn't been any news on him in months and they hadn't talked to each other for much longer. Malik had sent him a text occasionally, telling Altair about his progress at the rehab center and that he was doing 'fine' which was about it. Altair doubted he was fine but fuck Malik and fuck him for his stubbornness. “Life goes on, doesn't it?”, he muttered and went back to the table, the one which held the bottle of wine and two glasses as well as some worn out brushes. The whole surface was covered in old stains born from different fluids. It looked more like a thing somebody could find at a flea market but then again, it was a very fitting furniture for somebody like Leonardo.

  
  


“I suppose you're right,” Leonardo hummed, his eyes set onto the scaffold in front of him, “that doesn't mean things get better though.”

  
  


“I didn't say anything was better.”

  
  


“You didn't say it but I can tell you're growing frustrated with yourself, aren't you?”

  
  


“How do you mean that?” Altair frowned and Leonardo sighed, reaching for a nearby cloth to clean his hands with it before taking Altair's glass to take a sip from it.

  
  


“You like not being in control Altair, it makes you feel safe when somebody takes care of you but you hate to feel dependent on somebody. It unnerves you that Malik is such a big part of your life now that his accident and Kadar's death fucked everything so much up you can't really go on with life even though you want to so bad.”

  
  


“It doesn't unnerve me.” Really, Altair thought that was a rather harsh thing to say.

  
  


“No,” Leonardo agreed. “What unnerves you is the fact that you _are_ dependent on Malik, no matter how hard you try to deny it. I tell you what Altair,” he said and looked into his glass, “life won't go on after everything that had happened. You have to find a new way to make it through it but pretending that everything could actually go back to normal isn't the right one.”

  
  


It was silent after that for a very long time and Leonardo had put his glass back and returned to his work once more when Altair was still gnawing on his bottom lip. “Maybe you're right about that,” he admitted then. “But you're also wrong.”

  
  


“Mh?” Leonardo didn't bother looking up.

  
  


“I love Malik, don't get me wrong but sometimes-”

  
  


“Sometimes?”

  
  


“Sometimes I think it's too much.”

  
  


Leonardo took a long look at his painting, then dipped the brush into some black. “Go on little bird and explain this to me.”

  
  


“That it's too much for our relationship. Mine and Malik's. Sometimes I think that maybe he was right when he was still at the hospital, about me leaving him sooner or later.”

  
  


Now this, _this_ made Leonardo stop and he took a glance over his shoulder. “Come again now?”

  
  


“I don't want to break up with him!” Altair held up his hands in defense. “But he kind of acts like the same jerk I've met at the club back then.” He sighed deeply. “I'm not sure if I have enough strength to make it through another round.”

  
  


“Another round of what?”, Leonardo pondered.

  
  


“Another round of playing cat and mouse,” Altair nk down onto a chair, his elbows resting on the table.

  
  


“Let me guess, you feel like the mouse.”

  
  


“Yes,” Altair groaned. “But Malik already caught me and now he's playing with me! Again.”

  
  


Leonardo finally put down his brush, risking another look at his newest painting and decided then that it'd probably be better if he kept working on it tomorrow. He'd somehow lost his vibe here... “He's not playing you,” he said gently and took the chair opposite from Altair.

  
  


“I've barely heard from him,” Altair said. “Let's be honest here,” he said a moment later and leaned heavily onto the table – maybe that one last glass had been too much for him. “He's a fucking asshole, ignoring me all the time, not calling me in weeks. I know he's hurt, I fucking know and- his brother's dead because of some asshole but-” He looked up at Leonardo and expected him to look at least somewhat... outraged, disturbed maybe? But yet there he sat, one leg put over the other with his hands folded on his knees, like some sort of therapist, listening and nodding as if to tell Altair silently to go on. “But that doesn't give him the right to treat me like shit.”

  
  


“No it doesn't,” Leonardo agreed, one finger picking at a chip of old paint. “You think you deserve better.”

  
  


“Yes!”, Altair said again and grabbed the bottle but not to pour himself another glass but to stare at the label. “I deserve better.”

  
  


“Why?” Leonardo's voice was soft, luring him into enough comfort to speak his mind.

  
  


“Because I- because, well... I-”

  
  


“Because you keep reaching out for him while he slaps your hand away all the time, no?” Leonardo suggested.

  
  


Now this made Altair look up. “Yes.”

  
  


“You expect Malik to give you something which he doesn't possesses at the moment.”

  
  


Altair frowned, “And what would that be?”

  
  


“Empathy.”

  
  


“Empathy?”

  
  


Leonardo nodded. “Empathy for you. Compassion.”

  
  


“I don't understand,” Altair admitted and he thought it was odd that the comment made Leonardo chuckle.

  
  


“No you don't little bird, that's very obvious.” He leaned back in his chair. “Right now Malik has to gather all of his strength for some self-love.”

  
  


“What?”

  
  


“I've known him for a very long time now, Altair. He's not very good at hiding his emotions but he's very good at hiding the _real_ damage that was done to him. I'm sure right now he asks himself why he's getting up every god damn morning, why he lives day by day when life itself seems so meaningless to him. He loves you Altair, but his heart's broken and right now, he's not strong enough to love two persons. Give him the time to love himself again first, then wait your turn.”

  
  


Altair grabbed the bottle once more, his fingers lingering on the neck, playing with the damp label there, picking at it nervously. “Now you make _me_ look like the asshole here.” It was a simple yet true statement.

  
  


“Probably,” Leonardo nodded, head cocked to one side as he watched Altair with keen interest. “What I’m telling you, Altair, is this: You’re not the victim here just as much as Malik isn’t the victim.”

  
  


“And now you make it sound like as if I have no sympathy at all for him and his situation.”

  
  


“At least not for all of his situation.”

  
  


Altair looked up at Leonardo, his fingers stilling. “You’re an asshole Leonardo,” he said and he didn’t even feel sorry for it. The outburst held quite the opposite feeling, had pushed itself like hot flames past Altair’s throat and slipped over his lips like an angry storm. Now it was too late to take them back but from the look on Leonardo’s face he didn’t have to worry about him kicking Altair out.

  
  


“I’m pointing out the truth, that’s all.”

  
  


Altair scrunched his nose. “You could have wrapped it up in nicer words.”

  
  


“Then it wouldn’t have gotten through that big head of yours,” Leonardo smirked and took the bottle from Altair, pouring the last bit of it into his own glass.

  
  


Altair pursed his lips, not saying anything for a long while. Part of him wanted to deny it, another part of him just knew how painfully right Leonardo was with his words - and that hurt probably more than the truth itself. “So I think what you’re telling me is to give myself and Malik some time?”

  
  


Leonardo nodded once. “I’d assume so, yes.” It made Altair look up again. “So maybe I should use the time he’s staying at the rehab center to sort my own life?”

  
  


“It could only do you some benefit,” Leonardo hummed. “When I caught Ezio lying to me about his age, I think I’ve told you about that once… when he was still a minor but made me believe he’s over eighteen, I needed to spend some time apart from him.”

  
  


“But that was different,” Altair said. “He’d lied to you, you needed to think about if you could trust him again and if you’re willing to commit to a relationship that was build upon a lie from the very beginning.”

  
  


Leonardo smiled, “Wasn’t it the same for you and Malik?”

  
  


“He didn’t lie to me,” Altair said.

  
  


“But he betrayed your trust once…”

  
  


“Well yes-” Altair cocked his head to one side, looking confused. “And you needed some time to think things over, didn’t you? Deciding if you could commit to a relationship with a man who once didn’t stop when you asked him to do so…” Leonardo concluded his words with a small gesture of his hand. “Yet you refuse to give Malik the same right to do so now.”

  
  


Altair frowned, Leonardo’s words left a bitter taste in his mouth. “You mean he’s thinking about breaking up with me?”

  
  


“He thinks about how to return to a life that holds no meaning to him - at least not in the moment. I know Malik. He’s strong and stubborn… he will come back from the Shadows but it’ll need time. I could imagine that right now he feels like an astronaut crushing back to earth in freefall.”

  
  


It made sense and it hurt. At first he’d been pissed at the artist for pointing out to him that Malik has to deal with his own trauma right now. His brother had died, his whole world was pretty much gone from how he knew it and… and as much as it hurt to admit to it, right now Altair didn’t held a place in what was left of it. Leonardo was right with one thing though, Altair _did_ like not being in control but _only_ when somebody was there to take care of him. Right now, his life wasn’t in his control at all _and_ there was nobody to take care of him. Malik wasn’t here. Malik was just gone.

  
  


It made Altair smile although it was hollow and empty. “Well,” he said. “I wish we could have stayed in zero-g for just a little longer.”

  
  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hello, it's me. Let me drown in my shame for not updating this sooner.

Suns were rising and moons were crawling across the sky with silver dots disguised as stars following night after night, day after day. Earth was moving, leaves were turning from green to red from red to brown, the trees were losing their dresses and birds were flying south to escape the dark of an upcoming winter. It was the first real cold morning in this fall with thin sheets of ice covering the cars and puddles frozen over. The joggers in the park were breathing white clouds in front of their faces, heads covered with thick wool hats and hands jammed into mittens. The man who sold the paper down by the corner held a cup of coffee with thick steam rising in one hand, his nose red and jacket zipped up all the way to his chin. He nodded at Altair when he was passing him.

 

Altair wore his hood up, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his pants, his messenger bag hanging messy from his right shoulder. The scarf he wore covered his face up to the mouth but he felt still cold and he hated the cold the most. He walked past one of those big illuminated advertisements, it showed the temperature. 34°F. Damn right it was cold. Altair stood by the corner waiting for the light to turn from red to green as cars were passing. The advertising changed again. 9:43 am. Damn right he’d be late. Right now, he just didn’t know if last night has been worth it to have Lucy yell at him today for not showing up on time.

 

\---

 

It was after dinner when his phone moved a little across his living room table when it was vibrating from a message. It was after he’d gotten out of his shower and run the towel across his wet head when his phone danced across the table again. It was after Altair sat down on his couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other one that his phone went off a third time. But it wasn’t before the end of the movie somewhere around after nine when he picked it up to open his WhatsApp.

 

\-       I was released today.

That one was from Malik with the time set at 6:34. Altair pushed himself up with his elbows leaning on his knees as his thumb moved across the screen.

 

\-       Malik said he’s coming home today. I don’t know if he told you but I think you should know.

It came from Leonardo.

 

\-       You moved out.

The last, and final one, from Malik again.

 

Altair wondered then if he’d ever really moved in with Malik. The few things he’s had at his place, he packed after Malik left for rehab. With his thumb moving, he opened the keyboard to type a reply then checked Malik’s status and saw he was offline again. His hand slowly sunk down between his legs, phone held in a loose grip. It was nine thirty when he grabbed his keys off the table and let the door fall shut behind him.

 

\---

 

There’d been a day where he’d stood in front of a restaurant debating in his head if he should go inside or not. Back then he was an hour late and was certain that Malik had already left the place. When he’d stood there in the cold in the dark of a rising evening watching the people through the glass inside, he’d been certain it was his dumbest idea ever to go there. Altair would take that back now because standing in front of Malik’s door at eleven in the evening was probably _the dumbest_ idea _ever_. It was probably worse than just that and the beating heart in his chest and the short breaths of air told him his body was preparing to just run as far away as he could. But his mind was restless, pushing him forwards so he was here now unsure of what to do.

 

He’d gotten a text from Leonardo when riding the train.

\-       Altair?

 

Another one from Ezio when he walked up the train station’s stairs leading up to the street.

\-       We’re worried about you. Are you alright?

 

But Malik was still offline the last time he’d checked his phone.

 

He’d thought it made life more interesting dating Malik a long time ago. Malik wasn’t what he appeared to the naked eye. He was just like white light, embodying all the colors, keeping them hidden. Altair just knew all too well how much Malik liked to do that. Keeping himself hidden to the naked eye. It took Altair long to see all his colors and there might have been a time where it had frightened him seeing all of them but it’s been nothing more than a moment and that moment had long passed. Yet, he was afraid. He was afraid to rise his hand and knock against the door but he did, watching how his fingers curled painfully slowly to a half closed fist before his knuckles met the wood of Malik’s entrance door.

 

He hadn’t really thought about what would happen next. On his ride to Malik’s place (Not their place, not Altair’s and Malik’s place anymore. Just his) he’d thought about what he’d say to him. But he’d never really thought about the _in between_ – he hadn’t really thought about what would happen _before_ he’d give Malik his speech. His head told him to just turn and leave. The smaller part of his heart told him to stay. Altair knocked again. And again. His head screamed at him to gather up the last crumbled rest of his dignity and turn and _leave_. His heart was breaking and hoping still.

 

Altair knocked and then, when his heart was telling him it could no longer take the pain, he heard movement behind the door. Light was flooding the barely lit hall showering Altair and dipped Malik into one big shadow. He looked up. “Hi.”

 

\---

 

The first time he’s been at Malik’s apartment, Kadar was still alive. Malik still had his left arm. Back then, Malik had just started rattling the cage of Altair’s normal, _down to earth with a good job_ life. A life he could hardly remember anymore.

 

He felt out of place. He didn’t _belong_ here. There were the leftover traces of thick layers of dust hanging in there, thick air mixed with the smell of an apartment which hadn’t been lived in for a long while now. A suitcase stood next to the door, an opened bottle of whiskey on the small coffee table in the middle of the living room. There was a dresser standing in front of Kadar’s room, blocking the way inside with a blanket covering up the door. Malik left him standing by the entrance, taking his seat back on the black leather couch Altair had dirty, dirty memories of.

 

“I didn’t think you’d let me in.” The words hung there in the air between them, unmoving unyielding. His eye bore at the back of Malik’s head. He wasn’t stirring, as if he wasn’t acknowledging Altair’s presence at all. Altair would d be damned if he’d back down now.

 

“How was rehab?”

 

It wasn’t anything like he’d prepared on his ride over to Malik. He’d laid all the words out in front of him he’d wanted to tell Malik; he’d turned them over and over in his head, shaped them until they tasted good on his tongue, until they sounded right to his own ears. But none of that would come to his mind right now because there he was, Malik, sitting on his couch where they’ve had dinner before, where they’ve talked and kissed before. Back when there were better times. Malik’s apartment had felt like sanctuary to him but now the walls were closing in on Altair and it took the air from him to breath. There wasn’t enough space in here. Altair couldn’t imagine what it felt to Malik. For him, after all, it was an apartment filled of memories from a life he’d shared with his dead brother.

 

Altair walked around the couch. First he saw Malik’s profile, then his face. He shaved off that little goatee on his chin. There was too much dark around his eyes. His lips were pressed together to a thin bitter line. He looked as if he’s had aged ten years in the last four months. Eventually Altair said, “I’ve planned this differently.” The leather crackled underneath his weight when he sat down, elbows leaning on his knees and the tips of his fingers were touching. Malik’s silence was probably the worst punishment he’d ever received. It probably wasn’t one but it felt like one and Altair thought the weight would crush his spine. In the end, he pushed all of his accusations away and settled for mercy - at least for the moment. He sat there, in silence, and simply waited.

 

\---

 

“I can’t stand seeing his room.”

 

He was eight levels into Angry Bird when Malik said it. Altair turned his phone off and set it onto the table in front of him. The bottle of whiskey was mostly gone by now. There were two, maybe three glasses left of it. “How did you get the dresser there?”

 

“I’ve thought I could but I can’t.” Malik hadn’t heard him or has chosen to ignore Altair. It was the first time he’d heard Malik’s voice in weeks, months even. He’d thought it’d be different. Altair had expected goosebumps running down his skin following Malik’s voice. He’d thought there’d be a swarm of butterflies taking off in his stomach. None of that was happening now. It was just Malik’s voice in an apartment. Just a few spoken words which held so much meaning and which told more about just _how broken_ Malik was on the inside than he could ever explain to Altair.

 

Altair licked his lips followed by a deep breath. Malik was talking; they could take small steps from here but his throat felt tight as if barbwire was cutting into it. He wasn’t prepared for this and he realized, slowly, he should have stayed home. “I think I could get a storage unit,” Malik said, “to keep his things there.”

 

“You could,” Altair said and it was pathetic - it was pathetic because he knew there wasn’t anything he could do about this, no comfort he could offer would be enough to cover the gaping hole in Malik’s heart. Altair had never thought of being the strong one in their relationship (and knew if Malik would have known, he’d have disagreed with him); right now was the time for him to act like it, but he couldn’t.

 

“You didn’t tell me you’d come back,” he said instead pulling the conversation away from Kadar. Malik fell in silence again and it stretched Altair’s nerves like chewing gum. Eventually, it tore. „We’ve been past this,“ Altair said. “Remember? We’ve talked and all.” He made a rotating motion with his hand to undergird his statement. His voice didn’t rise yet but it was stretched and thin – Malik should notice at what edge he was.

 

“I didn’t want to tell you.”

 

That was an answer. Short, and brutal. It knocked the air right out of Altair’s lungs. “You’ve told Leonardo.” It was accusing. White noise was filling Altair’s ears and made his head spin. Malik nodded, barely and when he released a low breath, Altair could smell the alcohol on it. He wondered if the whiskey bottle sitting on the table was Malik’s first one. “Do you want me here?” He asked it carefully as if the words were made of glass, about to shatter if he spoke faster, louder.

 

“I let you in.”

 

“It’s not an answer Malik.”

 

“It’s better than being lonely.”

 

“But do you _want_ me here?” Altair had moved to the edge of the couch, barely sitting and about to get up depending on the answer.

 

“No.”

 

Altair frowned, then looked at the table and a ring left by the bottle in the dust. He sat back again with legs too heavy to move. It was a gut twisting feeling, one that pulled at his insides and about to turn his skin from left to right. The tears came but didn’t fall. Altair pulled up his nose. “No?” His voice was breaking, nothing more than a rasp. He swallowed and blinked those damn tears away – at least he managed for them to not roll down his cheeks.  

 

“I gave you the combination of your collar.” Malik turned his head without moving his body, just a quick glance at Altair’s neck before it was over again. “You don’t wear it anymore.”

 

Altair processed the words and felt himself stumbling over them. “When you’ve sent me the combination I’ve thought you’d break up with me.” When he was met with silence again, he leaned around trying to catch a glimpse of Malik’s face. He’s sunken into himself, shoulders slack with his head slightly tipped forwards and eyes down. “Did you break up with me?”

 

Malik looked at him.

\---

There’d been a day where Altair thought Malik was an asshole. An asshole who disguised his flaws as being charming – he played that role brilliantly. Altair remembered sitting on the train that day with an old lady offering a tissue. He’d cried back then. He didn’t cry today and there was nobody offering a tissue or a gentle gesture of comfort. There was Malik though, sitting like a stone in a wild sea in the middle of the living room, watching the world around him burn to the grounds. Altair swallowed.

 

_I’ve already broken you._

 

That were Malik’s words he’d told him on the evening when they’ve first met. If Altair’s been broken back then, now the rest which was left of him burned to dust in Malik’s supernova until there was nothing left anymore that could be broken. After all, even stars burn out.

 

There’d been a day where Altair had left Malik. But not today.

 

“I can’t leave you,” Altair said eventually with his voice surprisingly soft underneath all that raw hurt _anger pain_. “No matter how hard you try to push me away. You’ve turned my world upside down once and tore it to pieces again.” He watched Malik, unmoving, _unyielding_ , from the corner of his eye. “I rather live in the debris. Because then, I can still hold on to the memories we’ve had then trying to live in a new rebuild world where I try to ignore you’ve ever been there.” It was different from the speech he’d prepared – it was far less hateful. It spoke none the less the truth.

 

Malik said, “Go,” spitting the word at him.

 

Altair shook his head, “No.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you don’t deserve to be alone.”

 

\---

 

It was after Lucy had yelled at him and after his second cup of coffee when the look on Altair’s face must have melted enough for Rauf to even _dare_ to look at him. It was somewhere close to noon. “Are you alright?” Rauf asked, tiptoeing around the words.

 

Altair’s computer was turned on but his screen wasn’t – from how he looked at it, he probably didn’t even realize it. “Altair?” There were fingertips gently brushing across his shoulder, a fleeting touch before Rauf pulled his hand away as if he was afraid Altair would bite it right off.

 

“Mh?”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

There was the leftover scent of dust still filling Altair’s nostrils. The memory of a touch still burning his skin. He looked right through Rauf when he lifted his gaze. “You didn’t sleep much last night, did you?” Rauf turned on his desk chair and rolled closer to Altair. His brow was in deep wrinkles, eyes narrowed as he tried how to figure out the puzzle called Altair sitting in front of him. It was a deep sigh which suddenly erupted from Altair’s chest that pulled him out of his stupor. “I’ve spent the night at Malik’s.”

 

Rauf’s eyebrows shot up to the line of his hair. “He’s back.”

 

“Mhpf.” Altair didn’t even bother to nod but his grunt could be interpreted as a yes.

 

“And?” Rauf was sitting on the edge of his chair when Altair shot him a look. “Did something happen?”

 

The memories came crushing back to his mind in waves and Altair could see Malik’s face again, raw and open with all of his colors shining brightly. “Yes.”


	14. Chapter 14

xxx

 

It’s been a long and -mostly- busy day. There’s been a meeting after half a sub with lots and lots of jalapenos on top and a coke Altair hadn’t really finished with Lucy deciding, among other topics, it was best to stretch the fact how important it was to show up at work on time and _yes that means you Altair!_ He’d only listened half-heartedly with his mind absent and drawn back to a sleepless night and too much of thinking of a more easy time, better time.

 

\---

 

Events had turned fast and ended in an ugly mess. Malik stood suddenly, hovering above Altair like a supercell about to release his full unleashed anger in a mighty storm pouring down on him. It started with Malik’s fingers curling around his elbow hoisting him up not too gently, shoving his arm away. The grip he had, surprisingly strong, almost burning to the touch. “Out,” he said with little drops of spittle flying from his lips. “Get out!” Pure, ugly, hatred venom was raining down on Altair. He didn’t deserve it. Neither did Malik.

 

But no, _no_ – he’d stay his ground.

 

Altair couldn’t really tell anymore who threw the first punch. But the bottle of whiskey laid broken with its content spilled on the ground and the coffee table stood three feet away from its original place while Altair tasted blood in his mouth with Malik having his legs wrapped around his waist, one fist flying down at him. There were shouts, lots of _It’s your fault_ even though Altair didn’t know how but they kept on.

 

He dodged the blow, he was in advantage here anyway with two arms and no physical pain but Malik was eaten alive by his grief and that, as most people knew, was by far more powerful, more dangerous. It drove Malik out of his skin. The kick to Altair’s back pressed the air out of his lungs and Altair, groaning deeply in pain, reached up automatically with one hand behind himself. It was enough for Malik to push his arm from underneath his body making him lose his balance. It was a move Malik probably hadn’t thought through because Altair dropped, ungracefully, and with a heavy thud, right on top of him burying Malik underneath him. Still enough for Malik curling his fingers to an iron fist meeting his temple which made Altair see stars and his vision was turning black for a short moment. In the end, both of them were panting heavily on the ground, skin covered with sweat, hair ruffled. There wasn’t a winner, Altair’s lip was swelling and he’d cut the inside of his cheek on one tooth, and there was a bruise forming on Malik’s jaw.

 

Altair didn’t remember if he’d ever seen Malik crying. If Malik had been crying when he’d asked him for his forgiveness or if he’d been crying at Kadar’s funeral. Altair didn’t know but Malik was crying now, a powerful heartbreaking sob that erupted deep from his chest crawling all the way up his throat to break through his lips. He was shaking, by the sheer force of his tears and Altair moved close, half lying on top of him with his head against Malik’s chest offering the only comfort he was capable of giving at that moment.

 

Malik’s stump was bleeding again but please, no hospital, _we’ll just change the bandages and it’ll be good tomorrow morning_. It were the only words spoken between them, even when Malik sat on the rim of his tub with Altair patching him back up. They were quiet as Altair stood silently outside the bathroom door as Malik got ready for bed, the sound of a toothbrush and a toilet flushing reaching his ears. He leaned in the doorway when Malik changed out of his clothes and into a pair of boxers and an old shirt worn too many times, even too small, and it was when Altair realized that the shirt once must have belonged to Kadar. Malik, with those dark circles underneath his eyes, was too tired to care about Altair’s presence. He was too tired to even send him one of his most feared angry glares which could send a wolf into flight. He looked defeated. Malik _was_ defeated.

 

It was around two in the morning when Altair pulled up a chair to sit down next to Malik’s bed and watch his breaths even. It was around three when he took off his pants and socks to slip into bed with him – he was exhausted, mentally, physically. But Malik had fallen into a restless sleep, twitching and kicking a lot at his covers. It wasn’t really a question when Altair pulled them back only to press tight against Malik’s back with his chest, one hand sneaking around to the front with his palm pressing up flat against where his heart was beating. It was familiar with him being in one bed, yet, it felt as if there was a whole ocean opening up between them.

 

Sleep didn’t come easy and when it found Altair, he was plagued by nightmares of long lost memories forming inside his head telling him of better times, only for them to shatter with the blink of an eye when he woke up again.

 

\---

 

Malik was facing him when Altair woke. Brows drawn together to a pinched tight line, his jaw tense and his left shoulder pulled up against his neck. The bandages were clean – at least some of Altair’s worries were gone. The curtains in his room were half closed but the dark of the night outside the window was turning to a better purple, lazily greeting a new day.

 

Altair had always thought of Malik as a man who knew what he wanted. A man moving through live like a hidden blade – sharp enough to cut those in his way but kind enough to show mercy to the ones who deserved it. Balanced and with both feet on the ground, determined and smart. Last night’s fight might have hurt him more than Altair could probably ever understand.

 

Altair has taken the last bit of control which was left.

 

Five months ago, a change had taken place none of them could have predicted. Some might answer Malik came out of it broken, but then they would have been asking the wrong question. He was more than what he appeared to the naked eye and Altair was great in using his second vision.

 

Malik was wounded, mentally, physically – and Altair could tell that even when blind. A beast put into a cage where he didn’t belong with the key lying in front of it in his reach. Some time ago, Altair couldn’t understand why Malik didn’t just take it. Now he knew it was his part to grab the key and unlock whatever it was which kept Malik inside the dark setting of his mind. “What am I going to do with you, mh?” The words, a raspy whisper on his lips, were hurting his throat. He could still taste the heavy leftover of sleep in his mouth and his tongue felt furry.

 

He stayed a bit longer watching Malik shift in his sleep with his hand shoved underneath his chin until his knuckles left prints on his skin.

 

xxx

 

 

There were people passing him in the street. Women wearing pencil skirts and purses squeezed underneath their arms with a cup-to-go from Starbucks in the other hand. Men, not even wasting the blink of an eye to look at him, rushing by him talking busily into their cellphones. Altair pulled the scarf higher across his nose and the hood deeper into his face. He was already invisible to the world around him. There was the dull beating of a pulse pressing against the inside of his temple that grew more and more annoying within the minute. The headache reached down to his stomach and made him swallow back the bile rising in his throat. His thumb felt too thick when it moved over his phone as he checked his messages one more time and there were five minutes left anyway for Ezio to meet him, to pick him up after work.

 

-       We could go and drink something

 

The text had come sometime after Altair’s meeting when he’d slumped on the chair to his desk as if somebody had pulled all the bones from his body. He’d expected for it to come after Leonardo had stopped sending him worried messages and with Ezio just asking him if he was alright once last night.

 

Altair stood with his shoulders touching the wall to his office’s building when he made out a dark red wool hat emerging from the sea of suits walking down the streets and a hand rising, waving at him. He checked his phone again. Ezio was on time. He was greeted by a tight hug and two kisses to each cheek before Ezio let go of him but let his hands linger on his shoulders for a moment longer, looking him all over. “You look like shit.”

 

Altair snorted, “Thanks.”

 

“So Leonardo was right to worry about you. You didn’t answer his messages on WhatsApp.”

 

“Leonardo’s Malik’s friend – I should at least leave him that.”

 

They’ve started walking, Ezio with one two steps falling behind Altair. His cheeks were rosy and nose red from the cold, but the bright eyes were shining as always as he rubbed his hands, elegant fingers covered in thick grey wool, together. “You’re Leonardo’s friend too.”

 

“I’ll survive without seeing Leonardo for a few days.” Altair stopped at a red light. “But Malik might not.”

 

“You’ve seen him?”

 

It was a light, barely motion of his head but Ezio recognized the nod. “Tell me.”

 

“I’ve stayed the night but let’s say it wasn’t a pleasant visit. He sort of barricaded Kadar’s room.” Out of the corner of his eye, Altair saw Ezio’s arched eyebrows. “He put a dresser in front of the door and covered it with a blanket,” Altair added the explanation. The light turned from red to green.

 

“We’ve expected that – most people feel worse when they get back home after staying for a long time in a safe environment.” Altair snorted to that. His head was filled with questions full of accusations aimed at Malik but he knew those were left with no answers and would only pull him deeper into a tightening vortex of _What if’s_ slowly taking the air to breath from him. Ezio, with his gloved hands shoved deep down into the pockets of his jacket, grew tired of the silent greeting him, the irresistible need to fill it with words overrunning him. He asked, “What did you two talk about?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

It was probably easier teaching a cat to go fetch – but as of lately Altair wore his stubbornness as a thick cape draped around his shoulders like a fallen superhero. It wasn’t a very fitting picture as Altair wasn’t very muscular and he wasn’t witty and neither did the girls lay to his feet nor could he fly or possessed super powers – but he had tried to rescue Malik from the wrongs in this world. He’d failed miserable. It also milked a frustrated sigh from Ezio. “You don’t want to tell me then,” and by the rise of Ezio’s voice towards the end, Altair knew he was trying to hide his statement underneath a question.

 

“Not really, no.” It hardly left room for any more words to be formed and exchanged in a conversation. Ezio accepted and Altair was thankful for that.

 

xxx

 

It took exactly one hour fourteen minutes and two and a half beer for Altair to answer with more than just a grunt or a single word. Maybe it was to Ezio’s doing (Ezio, who was -almost- constantly chatting away just to get his fingers hooked into Altair’s thoughts so he could pull them away from Malik) that changed his mood from sour and utterly pissed to mildly annoyed. It could have also been the nice dark haired girl -woman- sitting by the bar with a short haircut and a very loose and cheeky mouth that lured Altair’s attention to focus onto something else, for once, and who gave him his number. He couldn’t really tell. But by the end of the night, which was not too soon for him, he was drunk (very) and writing messages he’d probably wished to not have sent in the morning.

 

 

xxx

 

The joggers weren’t running in the park the next day. The guy by the corner selling the newspapers was throwing his empty cup of coffee away and into the trash. The big digital letters of the advertisement on the other side of the street were showing that it wasn’t as cold as it’s been yesterday. Once it changed though, the blinking numbers were telling Altair that he was even later than he was yesterday. His splitting headache said _You shouldn’t have gotten so drunk yesterday_. His sore muscles only left the question of _What the hell have I done last night_ as he walked down the street writing Rauf a message to come up with some crap to tell Luc why he was late – again. He was in absolutely no condition to have her yell at him. Not with one of the worst hangovers he ever experienced and not with the ugly sharp pain of regret lingering at the back of his head.


	15. Chapter 15

His stupidity struck him about eight hours prior.

 

Altair was a person who was battling his decisions more often than just once – he was also that kind of person who liked to beat their own head in over something he’s done. He was constantly walking the thin border between a hallelujah of _Malik’s the best thing that ever happened to me_ and the mourning song of _I wish I’d never gone to that club_. Malik was like broken glass. Yet, Altair still touched him even though he knew he’d get hurt. Which didn’t exactly made him stop from walking the familiar path down the street and to the train station. His fingertips turned cold and tingled the closer he got to Malik’s apartment (still, not _their_ apartment) and once he stood in front of the building, once he made it inside he found himself exactly where he’d been so many times before. There are twenty six letters in the English alphabet and here he was, thinking that none of them combined together could say what Malik needed to hear.

 

It was late in the evening (more like, the middle of the night) and his steps were wobbly, and even if he would have tried, he couldn’t walk a straight line anymore.  He wasn’t the only one taking the elevator and flashed a small smile at the couple riding with him. They got off before him and Altair was alone once he stepped into the hallway. The light was too dim for his liking, long shadows creeping along the walls as he walked – it made him trip more than just once. His tongue felt fuzzy and heavy with the leftovers of beer and Jägermeister still lingering there. His brain was just as bad, his whole system was acting up and turned his world dizzy and upside down – it should have made him stop. It didn’t.

 

When he found himself in front of Malik’s door, his hand closed in his pants around that piece of paper. He held it clutched tight in between his fingers as he rose his fist and knocked. Once. Twice. By the third time, Malik answered. One of his eyebrows was arched – Altair already knew that look. One arched eyebrow was the state of being annoyed – next state was being pissed off and there was only little time in between those states. Altair had to squeeze himself into that time window. He gathered whatever was left of his stupid alcoholic bravery and pushed past the mountain Malik was in the doorframe and into his apartment. “There are two things that might or might not happen tonight,” Altair said quickly and pulled his hand out of his pocket. “One, I follow this invitation and call the girl, take a cab home to her and fuck her.” He presented Malik the phone number he’d gotten earlier at the bar. The look of annoyance slightly changed to mildly interest. “Or I’m going to throw this away and fuck you instead because let’s be honest, you really do have a fine piece of ass.”

 

For someone as chronical cynical as Malik, he reacted surprisingly calm. Head cocked to one side, one eyebrow still up, hand on his hip. A light frown followed, his lips opened then closed again. Altair didn’t want to dare think it yet but – Malik was speechless. For a short moment, at least. “Excuse me?” He closed the door. With Altair still inside the apartment. Altair figured they were making progress here.

 

“We both know this is not what I want – but that I could have it, if I just say so.” He held up the piece of paper, still.

 

“You can do whatever you want, Altair.” Malik said it tiredly – and not just because of the late hour but as if he was drained from all of his energy, too tired to even keep himself up but in the end, somehow managed to not collapse like a wet bag full of sand and crumble in front of Altair’s eyes. Altair blinked. Slowly, he said “Yes. I can do whatever I want. I want you.” He was uncertain if he should wait for an answer or any sign of whatever thought which might be crossing Malik’s head. Altair decided not to wait – the alcohol in his blood made him brave (stupid, too). He pushed forwards with all the courage he got and pressed against Malik’s chest with all the build-up need, want, _love_ , he’d kept away for too long now. His fingers moved along Malik’s chest, feverish and confused, ripping against the fabric of his too big of a shirt. Malik was like a wall, unyielding, too big to conquer in a whole. Altair pushed pushed _pushed_ against him, walked him backwards until Malik’s hips met the back of the couch. It went within just the blink of an eye, a moment too small to catch but long enough for Altair to press his lips against Malik’s. He turned his head, lightly, and Altair just met the corner of his mouth. The moment slowed down and eventually, stilled. His breath was falling hard from his lips, the blood rushing too loud in his ears and Altair forced himself to move, to pull away and to slowly look at Malik. His face was set to a stoic mask, lips pressed tightly together and pulled to a thin angry line. Altair could wait; he probably _should_ wait. He could ask what it was but he already knew the answer – he’d grown tired of Malik’s answers.

 

Stupidity (or bravery) returned in a colossal clash of a wave collapsing over Altair. He leaned into Malik’s side (his left side) and fumbled with the hem of his shirt, his fingers creeping underneath it, moving along cold damp skin. He muttered, “I want you,” as his lips started moving, exploring, and spoke against the skin just underneath Malik’s left ear, “Isn’t that enough?”

 

“You _reek_ of beer.” But Altair had managed to squeeze into the short moment of Malik being mildly annoyed before it changed to being greatly pissed –he knew how offensive it was to even bring the topic of beer up in front of Malik.

 

“That’s not important,” Altair said in a voice too close to a whisper and too busy to suck on Malik’s earlobe.

 

“You need to be drunk now before you come here?”

 

“Fuck no”, Altair growled because he would not let Malik have the lead and turn this around against him. He pushed up at him, both his palms pressing on Malik’s chest, eagerly. He hadn’t felt like this in weeks – all fire and flames, ready to burst into a thousand sparks and yet Altair was certain, it’d be him who’d be left behind in ashes afterwards. His hands went underneath Malik’s thighs, “I won’t fucking spell it for you.”

 

“I don’t like it when you swear.”

 

“’kay. Can we get to the good part now? Less talking, more fucking?”

 

“Altair.” A long sigh followed his name. “I think-“ No. No, no, no, no. Altair stopped him by simply kissing him, swallowing his words in a whole. It was like kissing a dead fish – cold, wet, completely unpleasant. Altair was too drunk to stop now. And… The dead fish turned to live – it was nothing but a small flicker of tongue against tongue, at first. Malik’s lips followed soon, opening, closing, _and responding_. Altair hands kept on roaming, up up **_up_** Malik’s chest and along a field of scars where his heart was beating, ripping his shirt as he pulled it too hastily from the man’s chest. He threw himself away from Malik’s mouth, too much out of air and lightheaded. Altair panted, waited while his hand gripped Malik’s hip hard and his eyes turned right. It was the first time he saw it, all open, raw and ugly. The scars were not healed yet and stood in a bright angry red on Malik’s dark skin. His shoulder seemed bigger than the right one but maybe that’s just because he’s still not used to the missing weight there; Malik kept pulling it up. The stump was also smaller than Altair remembered from seeing it the first time, but then again, Malik had to undergo a few more surgeries due to complications when the stump was healing; they’ve taken off more from it in the process. He was staring at it. Malik noticed so, too. It was too late to cover the first shock washing over his face now, Altair knew. Too bad Malik was getting the wrong impression of it. Today, he just needed to be faster than Malik, so before the man could open his mouth, Altair cut off his words, “Can I touch it? Or does it still hurt?” He stepped closer as he said it, right in between  Malik’s leg to keep him where he wanted him to be, just in the middle of between himself and the back of the couch with no way to escape. His thumb drew circles against Malik’s hip as his hand twitched from wanting to reach up and follow the scars with his fingers as if they were the route to a hidden treasure.

Malik hissed, “Don’t touch it.”

 

“Then I won’t,” Altair said, surprisingly soft and rose his hand to cup Malik’s face instead, turning his head away so the injury couldn’t become bigger and eat his whole world away. “I won’t alright?” Malik was trembling and at that moment, Altair couldn’t tell if it was from unleashed anger or pure defeat. His other hand followed the first one; soon, he was framing Malik’s face with both of them. “It doesn’t repel me.”

 

“How generous of you,” Malik scoffed but with Altair holding his face like that, he had a hard time to let his gaze wander and linger anywhere else but on his eyes. “Do you think I pity you?” Altair asked.

 

“You wouldn’t be the first one,” was all Malik said.

 

“I don’t pity you, Malik.” For a short moment, Malik’s whole composure faltered, his eyes rolling sideways, away and he stared over Altair’s left shoulder at an invisible point in the kitchen. “I feel sorry for your loss. I feel sorry for what you’re going through. I feel sorry for your pain.”

 

“You pity me,” Malik said but his voice wasn’t as loud anymore, not as energetic anymore. It had turned small, uncertain.

 

“It’s called empathy,” Altair hummed and turned Malik’s head back, forced him to cross his gaze with his own. His thumb rubbed over Malik’s cheek with a three day old beard on it. He let go of his cheek, his palm coming to a stop on Malik’s left shoulder. Malik trembled but didn’t pull away.

 

“So this is an empathy fuck?”

 

“You need it,” Altair said instead of answering. “ _I_ … need it.”

 

xxx

 

There was no lube and it’d be the reason why he’d limb in the morning; Altair could not bring himself to stop Malik from spitting on his hand and coating his dick with it. His face was pressed first into the wall while one knee dug into the back of his legs and an angry hand held him tight by the hips to keep him in place. Altair could honestly not remember the turn of events but he remembered the point of where cold burning self-pity had turned into hot, raw anger. He’d put his hand on Malik’s hip, had looked at him with all the love and warmth he felt for the other man. Altair had leaned forwards, had kissed him again while his hand had squeezed Malik’s shoulder once. Malik had bitten him then but it hadn’t been enough to draw blood. He’d gathered all of his strength and pushed against Altair and while Altair had thought at first this was the moment where he’d be kicked out, he couldn’t have been more wrong. Malik had taken back the reins and was pulling them harder than ever before.

 

“You want it like that?” Spittle was flying against his ear when Malik hissed the words.

 

“Can you even get it up old man?”

 

Malik wasn’t that much older than him, and Altair was pouring oil into the fire – it was the fuel that Malik needed none the less, as strange as it was. Slow moves hadn’t really helped Altair in the past. With Malik, he needed to go all the way. His whole weight pressed up against Altair’s back, squeezed the air right out of his lungs. There’d be probably scratches left behind on his face from his cheek meeting the wall so hard. Malik was close and in the perfect angle behind him; of course Altair could feel just how much Malik was able to get it up. “Do you have a death wish?” Malik didn’t really need a second hand to yank his belt free of his pants, didn’t need more than five fingers to unbutton his jeans and pull them down his hips, just enough to expose him. His breath was hot, _too hot_ , against the back of Altair’s neck.

“If it gets you into fucking me already-“

 

Now, there might have been things that had changed within Malik – but some things were still the same. He still knew how to wield his hand the right way and how with little effort it could hurt the most. It stung when he slapped his ass, hard – and it’d probably leave a red mark behind. Altair gasped. This didn’t happen in a long time. He’d missed it, maybe too much – maybe so much that he hadn’t really known until now just how much he needed it.

 

Malik was positioning himself and dear god, Altair was too dry for this. It wouldn’t work, he knew with no lube and just some spittle it was physical impossible to do so; he brushed those doubts away and completely banned them from his mind. Instead, his back arched, hips stuck out to meet Malik. There was the tip, a long forgotten but most welcomed feeling. Altair noticed the force behind it and how much strength it took for Malik to push forwards… It hardly worked. And it hurt, a lot. Malik groaned but Altair couldn’t tell if it was from real pleasure or frustration – Malik grabbed him by the hip again, dug his nails into his skin before he slapped his ass again. It was enough force to push him back into the wall.

 

Maybe it was too much because the picture frame five feet to Altair’s left fell down and shattered on the floor. He would have barely noticed it (and even though bad sex was about to happen, it was still _sex_ ) if it haven’t been for Malik who slowly stopped trying to get in behind him. Altair turned his head, panting and still felt the sting as a reminder of Malik’s hand when he saw what it was that lay between shards on the ground. It honestly surprised Altair that it was still there and not in the pile of memories Malik had stuffed into Kadar’s room. The last time he’d been here, Malik had made sure that everything that could remind him of Kadar in any possible way was banned into the younger brother’s room – a mausoleum right in the middle of an apartment, right among the world of the living. All the more the reason why it felt so surreal and so grotesque to look at something that was older than a decade lying on the floor. It was small which was probably the reason how Malik could have overlooked it. Nothing more than a card with big letters on it written by a child. It was a dark green background, nothing more and the letters were written with red crayon. ‘Happy Father’s Day Daddy’ it said, the signature looked like Gada but Altair knew who of the two brothers had written it. Malik’s and Kadar’s father had left them early in their lives – it was the next logical thing to keep a father’s day card probably written by a four year old that once, after the father has died, has been passed on to the older brother.

 

Malik pulled away from him and Altair followed. To his surprise, there was no angry glare meeting him when he turned to face Malik. There was just the look of defeat – it was a look Altair had come to hate the most because it didn’t suit Malik at all. Malik didn’t bother to pick the shards up. His gaze changed from between the broken frame to Altair and back again. In the end, his hollow footsteps shuffled through the apartment and to his bedroom. He left the door open.

 

Altair looked at it, weighted his options. For a small moment, he considered just leaving. The side effects of a night full of drinking were still clearly showing in all of his movements and with how fast (or slow) his thoughts were running inside his head. In the end it was him who turned off the lights in the living room and who closed the door once he was inside Malik’s bedroom. He left the shards untouched.

 

xxx

 

It was better this time. Malik was tired still but he _looked_ at Altair all awake and with clear eyes. Not only did he look at him but Altair thought Malik was _seeing_ him for the first time since he woke from his coma.  It was strange, really, because Altair wouldn’t have thought that sex would be the answer to this… mess they’ve been moving around in the last few weeks (no, months). Of course, Malik had denied him that and so many other things before – it was only now that Altair had managed (somehow) to break through those walls surrounding Malik he’d protected so well.

 

Altair wouldn’t have thought he could fuck it up from here, not with Malik hovering above him and that (oh so cute) look of deep concentration on his face with sweat dripping off his nose as he moved inside of him. But he did. It was his bravery (or maybe stupidity) that turned his tongue loose.

 

“I love you.”


End file.
